Cramps... Cramps Everywhere and Not a Drop of Pink.

For about a week now I have had really strong cramps. The kind that double you over in pain. The kind I usually get before my cycle starts. But It hasn't. It just wont start. My uterus is a stubborn fickle bitch that knows there is thousands of dollars of insurance paid for fertility drugs in my fridge, and it is doing everything in its power to make me too crazy to use them.

Christmas Q&A

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Mostly paper. But if there are pretty bags on clearance after Christmas you bet I'm going to buy those too. I love me some after Christmas clearance shopping and always buy all my wrapping stuff then.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Mine is fake. I love it though because I never have to mess with tangled up lights.

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually in the days after Thanksgiving. But I've put it up earlier because family was coming at Thanksgiving and we were celebrating then.

4. When do you take the tree down? After Christmas when I get tired of looking at it.

5. Do you like eggnog? *GAG!* No way! It's the grossest substance in the universe. Hub likes it though.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My doll. Her name is Pam and she can talk and read when you put a cartridge in her back. I still her in the closet and hope to have a little girl so I can give it to her some day.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Hub's Grandma. She needs and wants nothing. This year we got her a photo frame with pictures of us in it... Real original I know.

8. Easiest person to buy for? My Mom, we usually want the same things... lol

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope, but we have a village that lights up and there are people that move.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? We usually mail them but I didn't do it this year.

11. Worst Christmas ever? The ones when Hub was deployed sucked.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? A Christmas Story... HAHA... " You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!" Also The Land of Misfit Toys. But the old one, not the computery one.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Depends, this year I got a late start, and only finished today.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes... but only to people who don't know the original giver, and because I know that they would like it much better then I do.

15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Ham... This year we are having Turkey at my MIL's, but I can see Ham for New Years. :)

17. Favorite Christmas song? I like the funny ones like, The 12 Pains of Christmas. Also the country ones, Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas is good too. I had like 3 cd with all of my faves on them but I lost them in the move. :(

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Usually, this year we live about 3 miles from the in laws and we've done enough traveling so we are staying put. Next year though will be my Mom's turn. Either at her place or somewhere warm.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yup.


20. What is the weather usually like where you live on Christmas? I'm not sure, this is our first Christmas in MI, but tonight its freezing, and there is some dirty snow left from the last storm

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning... this year though we are having Christmas Eve at my Mil's and I believe there will be gifts then... so both.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Cranky people who check they're brains at the door before they go out. GAH! its obnoxious.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I don't have one favorite. Hub and I get one from all the places we travel too. Those are my favorites, because it reminds me of all the fun we had and the amazing places we've got to visit. This year we added New Orleans and Disney.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham. didn't I answer that already? Eh...

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? I want the Gonal F to work. But other then that, I would like some fun things for our house.


That's how we do Christmas here in my neck of the woods. Now, I want to know what you do in your abode. Leave me a comment if you're participating so that I can cruise by your blog and see your holiday doings. I'm looking forward to it! Til then, my friends...

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!

Hi there!

If your here for the first time welcome!

I am currently waiting to start an injects cycle. This will be the first medicated cycle Hub and I have done since 2006.

I'm 24 Hub is 25. I have PCOS. No kids but we have two dogs that think they are children.

I procrastinate a little too much. Right now I still need to go Christmas Shopping for Hub.

I am still trying to fight the battle with my yo-yo weight. Currently, its up, but hopefully soon it will be down again.

I have a nifty intro here .

Heart attack averted...

So the nurse was able to fix the mistake and I got it all straightened out with the mail order pharmacy the RE likes to work with.

Today, my meds were delivered. I felt like it was Christmas. I opened my big ole box of fertility fun like it was the first gift on Christmas morning. I got 3 pens of Gonal F and 2 shots of Ovidril. They are sitting in my fridge and I'm waiting for AF. It feels as if I have been waiting for it not to come all of my life and now I just want it to hurry up and get here. If it isn't here by the end of the month the RE will give me something to make it start. I can't wait. ... That is weird, because I'm excited about giving myself needles. Odd... Just odd... :)

I'm so happy to be starting soon I don't even mind that something is wrong with the key pad on my oven, and what ever it is keeps beeping...

So A Girl and A Sailor Walk Into a Fertility Clinic.

Everything went well. That is until I got home last night.

The Re was really good! He answered all of our questions, and he is more than willing to give us Gonal F and let us do the rest our selves... But someone didn't tell the nurse that... *Sigh* So she called to get my prior authorization from the insurance co. and they asked her if we were doing IUI or IVF, and she said yes... OOPS! so the Insurance said NOPE you can't take that med. *SIGH* the nurse was calling the insurance co back to fix it. I hope they approve it this time. *SIGH*
Other then that I am good to go when AF starts I get to go get poked and prodded and then I get to start shooting up. In a few minutes I am going to call Tricare to see if my meds were approved. Why does Insurance only make this whole process 1000 times more difficult?!

T minus 1 day and 17 hours.

GAH! Nervous. I have no idea why I'm so worked up over this RE appointment. I go in on Thursday at 9:30. I'm scared all of the sudden that the RE will say IVF. and we just can't afford that now, and honestly, I'm not sure we want to do that. 20000+ and no guarantees scares the crap out of me. Also I'm scared that all my hard work losing this weight wont matter. The dark side of my brain keeps saying that the doc wont treat me because I am over weight. I am also scared that it wont work. ( I weigh less now then I did the last time but still...)

I think that it's just compounding up on me because I am stressed out about not being able to find a job. I've applied to every ad I have seen. I might just go out and get a retail job. I just can't stand being stuck at the house all day. It reminds me of the children that I don't have, and should be taking care of.

EEEP!

I got an appointment. :) Not tomorrow Thursday... but the Thursday after that. EEEEPPP! So happy. This is happening fast now, weird how that happens. Hurry up and wait for the never ending roller coaster ride. Step right up. :)I guess it might just be my turn after all, and I was thinking my chance at a turn was gone. Eeep! eeeep! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppp! :)

Relief!

My referral got accepted. :) I feel like the fifty ton elephant got off my chest finally!! Tonight I will see what would be a good day for a first appointment for Hub to go. He really wants to be there and I REALLY want him there. His schedule is never the same so hopefully he will have a good day next week and the RE will have an appointment. *WHOOOO!* I've spent the last hour or so breathing out a giant sigh of relief. All is good now.

Waiting...

I called the insurance company this morning and they had a referral for me! Now I'm waiting for it to be approved. Hopefully I will get some sleep tonight. *sigh* I feel like this must be my tenth post in two days... Thanks for not beheading me for all the craziness.

Up...

All night that was me. I watched the minutes as they ticked by, and got out of bed around midnight. I got back in bead about 1:30 and watched the clock till about 3am. Its almost 9am now and I think I was half asleep for about 5ish hours last night. I thought getting the referral and the appointment were the easy part of IF treatment... HA! Now I'm watching the clock tick off minutes so I can call my insurance company to see if I have a refural pending... or not... then call my doctor's office and let them know that I know I am not their only patient, but this is not exceptable!

3 Hours Later

...

A little after I posted my doctor called... He didn't know that I had called the office at all. He was calling to inform me that he had called a local RE and she said she would take me on... if I payed out of pocket... also did I mention that this RE treats people w/ massage... really just massage... NOPE... NO THANK YOU AT ALL!!! I was pissed! He said he would give me a list of about 30 REs that I could call since I was unhappy with the one he "found" ... I let him know that I had talked to office girl, and that I had already called around and found my own RE... all by myself. Then I had called office girl back and she said she would write up my referral... I gave him the RE's name and info, and he said he would speak to office girl about it and that was it... so yeah...

Then I called Tricare a couple hours later to check up... NO REFERRALS!!! GAH!!! now I know that this takes a doctor's office a minute to do, but really office girl said she was writing up my referral then. I feel like I'm being ignored and I don't like it. I might have to change doctors to be taken seriously... Why is this a ridiculous process?!! I don't think it is too much to ask!! GAH!!! Also, Dear Dr. G, Why does your office suck so much!!!????

Doctor Update!!!

I found one. After calling my doctor's office and basically getting the feeling that I have been ignored, I called around to re's offices and the RE I originally wanted to see ( you know the one who in fact does take Tricare, after I was told they called them and they didn't... opps! ) I am waiting on word from my insurance company that they accepted the referral. I am going to call in a couple of hours to see is the Doctor's office submitted one, because I now have zero faith in them. But it's finally moving! Maybe I will get to start off 2010 getting treatment, and possibly, maybe even finish out the year with a baby. EEEEP!


.... sorry for the scattered post... I'm excited.

No News.

No news on my referral. I do have a lovely migraine that I have had since I went to the doc on Thursday. The really bad part is that it is only on one side of my head and down into my neck and shoulders. It is probably stress. I called tricare and the person I spoke with said that it was likely that I would get my referral approved, however, one had not been submitted yet. I know it is because the insurance company is confusing to the doctor's office. *sigh* I just want to get started already!!!

GAH! ( warning, profanity)

Dear Tricare,


FUCK YOU!!!! ...





.....


Okay now I feel a little better. The nearest RE that is in the insurance network is on the other side of O-fucking-hio!!!! so yeah... a little mad... but its getting better... slowly. My doc was great yesterday. NOT at all how I was worried they were going to be. Although I did feel a little like a cartoon version on an infertile chick. When I got there the only available seat that was not in like some sick guy's lap was right next to a big ole stack of parenting mags, and then when they called me back to the exam room the magazine that was in there was CONCEIVE... yeah... no kidding... I thought only RE's had that too. so yeah, mmmmmm, anyhow...

Right now they are working very hard at getting me a referral. He knows a good RE that is attached to the same hospital as he is, and he is trying very hard to get me an appointment with him.

They are writing a referral, and then it needs to go and get approved... or not... for the out of network doc. Please everyone think good thoughts for us. ( The doctor seems pretty confident that they will approve this referral, because the nearest in network doc is WAY over 70 miles away.) *sigh* Can't it just be easy? Just this once?

Ready....

So I'm sitting here all ready to go to the doc. I'm so nervous that my hands are shaking and I can hardly sit still. I got dressed in my best grown up looking outfit... the best fitting one... which is getting hard since I can't really find pants that fit. I just really want to be taken seriously. I don't want to have to prove myself again. Just because I'm in my twenties doesn't mean that: 1) I'm not ready. AND 2) that I'm crazy and don't need help after all, because the last four years turns out were all in my head.

Please just let me have a good doc that wants to help. *SIGH*



NERVOUS!!!!

Here We Go Agian.

Tomorrow at 2:30 I have an appointment with the doctor. This is the one where I have to convince the new doctor that has never seen me that I am in fact not crazy, and I do need to go to an RE. I'm hopeful that I wont need to explain what PCOS is, and that I get taken seriously. But, I'm scared that the opposite of that will happen, or worse yet I get a doc that thinks he is super man and can fix my PCOS on his own... which we all know they aren't capable of. I'm scared of being told no, mostly. I want a good referral, not one like I had gotten at the beginning of this journey, where they sent me to an OB, because well that must be close to the same thing right?... WRONG... Ps... that OB thought PCOS treatment consisted of a uterine biopsy. Yeah... JERK... also his exam table faced an open first story window, on a busy street... needless to say I did not go back to him ever again.

Today I had lunch with my mother in law. I thought maybe she had something she wanted to say to me, but she didn't. She just wanted to have lunch. My relationship with her is really weird. I think mostly its because she doesn't understand what Hub and I have gone through, and sadly she sort of blamed me, also not really ever being around much probably hasn't helped. We talked about PCOS and what I was most likely going to have to do in order to have a baby. I think she understands better now and hopefully she will stop being so cold. She is from the group of women that believes babies just happen, and once your pregnant you always stay that way. So she has a little trouble believing that someone actually needs help getting and staying pregnant. I think she sorta thought fertility drugs were for people who wanted to have allot of kids at once then maybe get on tv. It's really kind of sad that people think that. Hopefully now though she gets that I'm not crazy, and understands a little more, about what we have gone though.

I'm off to dig up my records from the RE and make copies for the new doc. Wish me luck.

Watch me Shrink.

This morning I weighed in at 199. I don't think that is too bad after Thanksgiving. The left overs are gone now and I am pushing the restart button. I'm starting back up with my eating plan that I lost most of the weight on. Mostly healthy proteins and veggies, with a little brown carbs and a few treats thrown in for my sanity. It seems to be what works best for me. I am going to run on my treadmill agian, and throw in some video workouts and free weights, too change it up a bit.

I started taking vitamin E and a female herbal mix that has chaste tree berry in it.

The vitamin E is because my hair has started falling out, not just one or two at a time either. I wake up in the morning and my pillow is covered in hair. It's really gross and upseting to me. I don't really see any bald spots or thing, which is really strange. I'm going to ask the doc about it when I go in for a refural to an RE sometime possibly next week. ( Squee!!!)

The chaste tree berry really helped regulate my cycles and just make me feel better the last time I took it, so I thought it couldn't hurt.

I have 24 more pounds to lose. I'm not going to quit now. I'm close. The other night I sat down and avaluated my goals and this is what I've come up with.


Currently my BMI is 27 which puts me some where in the middle of the overweight catagory. I want my BMI to be 23.7, which puts me in the middle of the "normal" catagory. It will be 23.7 when I'm at 175.

I think I can lose the last 24lbs, in three months, if I work really hard. That's based on me loseing two pounds per week.

The app I use on my phone to keep track of my calories says I can eat 1560 calories per day. That is to lose 2 pounds per week. I am going to record every thing I put in my mouth agian, and try to find a way to put a picture of the chart on my here every week when I do my weigh in just to be more acountable.

The Beach is Closed.

Red Tide...

I don't know why I'm surprised by this, but I am. I know that being late does not equal pregnant in my case. I also don't know why month after month when Red Tide doesn't roll in when my fertility friend app tells me to I get antsy. FYI... It never happens when its supposed to. I have PCOS. That's the way life is. When it finally does roll around I get sad and depressed. I hate that I hope every month when I know there is no way. But I do, and now I'm sad, and disappointed.

Checking In.

I'm back down to 199. YAY! The one is back. That said, We both fell off the P90X band wagon. I might just start up again after the holidays. It is very restrictive diet wise. Hub and I were at each other's throats because we were so hungry! That said it did clean up our eating habits a lot from the crappy way we had been eating the last few months. I think that is why I lost the five pounds. The work out are strange because they start off intense and get easier as the week goes on.

Until after Christmas I am going to just do basic work out stuff, like run on the treadmill and sit ups and push ups, that sort of thing.

I just finished cleaning up the house, this place is sparkling clean. We are having Thanksgiving here this year. Tomorrow I'm doing a lot of baking and prepping anything that I can ahead of time. I can tell that the mother in law wasn't too thrilled when Hub told her we wanted to do Thanksgiving. She REALLY can't cook! ... like at all... yeah...

I got some stuff for cosmos and some spiced rum, just in case things get a little heated. Basically around the 3rd or so time she says, "Your doing it that way?!" yeah... hurrah for me.... :) at least there is booze!!! lol

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

A Starting Place.

I'm in the market for an RE now! First I have to find a primary care doc, insurance makes me get a referral. Hopefully I can find one that takes me seriously. I think I've found a good RE. I found him online. I've never done that before, so hopefully that works out too. I also really hope I can get a referral to that doctor's office. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic about trying again, but at the same time I have a bad case of what if's. I'm so scared that it wont work, but at the same time I really hope it does. I don't want to get my hopes up, but it might be about 3 years too late for that.

I just keep thinking that next year, next Christmas, I might be pregnant, or I might even finally have the child I've hoped for, for so long now. Even if its sort of a long shot, that thought makes me smile.

I guess I'm off to see the wizard... again.

P90-OUCH!

The title just about says it all. I'm on day two, and muscles I didn't even know I had hurt!

The program has three levels, and I am doing the Lean version, which is mainly to slim down and tone. In other words, I wont look like a monster when I'm done. : ) Hub is doing the Classic version, and he's pretty sore too. To say its intense is an understatement. I couldn't finish my work out Day 1, and I had to stop the tape with about ten minutes left on the Core Synergistics DVD. Today was cardio day and I'm proud to say that I made it through, and don't tell anyone but it was sorta fun too... well parts of it were.

The diet that goes with this is pretty tough too. The first phase is low carb, with the exception of the protein bars, and drinks. They have more carbs than I thought they would. It does get easier as you go (they add in more food types later). But like most things its REALLY hard to start off.


On Sunday we weighted in and I was at 203 again. It sucked, but I sort of thought I would be up there because I haven't been eating well and I haven't been exercising lately. I know the weight will come off again, and soon given the new work out I'm doing. It still stings though to see that "2" again.

I'm hanging in there though.

Yeah... Crappy Blogger... thats me...

GAH Busy! I hate busy. We are almost done unpacking the whole house. The only room we have left is the garage.

Here are some after pictures... I'm trying to find the before pictures. It might take a few days. We've organised everything so well that I can't find them.















This is it... The Money Pit... the after shots.

When we singed the lease for this house it was full of pee smelling carpet, dirt, dog hair, yellow walls from years of cigarette smoke. Okay you get it... It was gross. We tore out the carpet, found hardwood floors in most of the house, we sanded them, refinished them ( that's another long story ). We cleaned then painted ( alot of Kills paint... like ALOT... in case you don't know it fixes the ugly in one coat and it kills smells... it basically rocks.) We put down laminate tile in the rooms that didn't have hardwood. Hub put in a new double wall oven that we got off c*ra*igs**l*ist for FRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!! It works like new, I really don't think it was used much it was completely spotless inside. Hub also put in a new cook top, the appliances didn't really work too well. We cleaned up the yard the day before yesterday. Its finally coming together and I'm tired just typing that all out.

You must be wondering why we did this all to a rental. Well, we got the owner to sign a 3 year lease at an obscenely low rent. So we didn't mind fixing it up too much. Plus Hub and I really like projects.

In other news, Hub and I ordered P90X. Yup that's right. We ordered it. It's here and we are starting it on Monday. This weekend we are getting rid of all of the junk in the house, and do all of the other before stuff. ie: take photos and what not. Then we start. I'll be posting about P90X in my weekly weigh in post. Those will start back up on Monday.

Sorry I abandoned this blog for so long, moving and all the work on the house sucked up all of my time.

So....

I've been a CRAPPY blogger lately. With a capitol C. SORRY!!! I've been so busy with the move and getting the money pit fixed up that I haven't had time to breath let alone blog.

As a consolation prize I'm going to up load before and after shots of the money pit, and tell you some horrifying home improvement stories, in the next couple of days.

I'm Still Alive.

This is just a quick post to let everyone know that I'm still alive. We found a house. Hub, sister in law, and I have spent every waking moment at the house renovating it for the past week. There will be a long photo filled post comming down the line when we are finished. This house was filled with ugly and nasty. The people who had it before me destroyed it. Today we spent all day sanding the hard wood floors we found while takeing out the nasty old carpets. Tommrow we will start painting.

Tag I'm it.

Minta over at Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity tagged me. I also secretly love to fill out these surveys. So here goes.

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!



The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? Bed
2. Your hair? Washed!
3. Your mother? Semi-Crazy.... ( I get it from her....)
4. Your father? ASSHAT!!!!
5. Your favorite food? Steak
6. Your dream last night? None.
7. Your favorite drink? Pepsi
8. Your dream/goal? Mom - Also- Heathly... (Sue me I broke the rule! :P)
9. What room are you in? Hotel.
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? non-mom
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Settled
13. Where were you last night? Hotel
14. Something that you aren’t? Infected
15. Muffins? Da DA DAAAAA... ( it's a Phsych thing)
16. Wish list item? Home
17. Where did you grow up? brook

18. Last thing you did? toe-ointment
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Your TV? Stored
21. Your pets? Far-away :(
22. Friends? family
23. Your life? chaos
24. Your mood? sleepy
25. Missing someone? YUP
26. Vehicle? cracked!
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Teal
30. When was the last time you laughed? For real? New Orleans
31. Last time you cried? Monday
32. Your best friend? Mom/Hub
33. One place that I go to over and over? Beach ( damn fish! yes I'm bitter! )
34. One person who emails me regularly? Izzy
35. Favorite place to eat? Home.





Now for the tagging. ... I dont know if I have 6 so if your reading this its all you!

Toegate 2009

WARNING: The following post is laden with nasty descriptions of a medical nature. If you squeamish, turn back now. Once your strapped in to the ride its like a train wreck that you cant look away from. Please, turn back now if you don't want to hear about my night in the ER... Really I don't blame you... go now run!



So the two of you that are still reading this, HI! ( Also Hi MOM.... I know your one of the 2... ; ) )

It. Got. Worse. Much worse, yesterday. By the time my husband got home at around 5 it looked as though my foot had been inflated by a bicycle pump, and my toe was covered in very swollen blister like things. Also and this is the part that made my husband force me to the ER, there was a really nasty black spot right where my toe joins with the foot.

So we hobbled to the car at about 5pm, and stopped off for dinner, because we both thought that was going to be spending some time in the hospital given the above described scariness. We got to the ER and it was a full up mad house in there. I guess Wednesday night is the cool time to go to the ER. We I checked in with the charge nurse, who rolled her eyes at me when I told her I'd been there on Monday, and gotten worse. I could almost hear the voice in her head say " Yeah, surrrrrrrre you have..." and we sat. Two hours till I got in to the trauma bay to get looked at. That nurse was the same one that gave me my hurt foot shoe that I conveniently "lost" as soon as I was coherent enough to take it off on Monday. She was all ... uuuuuuuummmm that's gross... glad you came in. Then we got to sit for two more hours, lucky us!

I got a room, and eventually the Doc came in and I told him my something bit me while I was in the ocean story. He poked my foot, and told me that he thought it was a bad allergic reaction to fish venom of some kind. He popped a couple of the blisters, and cultured them. I had xrays to rule out bone infection, and blood work, and they gave me Benadril, and Zantax. And then they sent me home, with new prescriptions, that seem to be working. It was almost 1:30 am when we got to leave the ER.

My foot is better, and less itchy, and burny, less swelling, and less blister thingies. I already feel better.

This is the one with the frustration, and the itching!

So, you might have noticed this is not a watch me shrink post. To be honest I have no idea where I am at with weight loss this week because I am unable to go to the gym. A couple of weeks ago I got pinched by a crab in the ocean. It looked like it had healed completely, but it didn't and I spent yesterday in the ER.

My foot had swollen to three times its size and my toe is covered in blisters. Its nasty. I have Cellulitis. YAY! ... NOT!!! I have spent the last two days in bed with my foot propped up on a pillow. I can't work out or really do anything. I'm hoping that the antibiotics and anti-inflammatory work fast because I am already bored, and this is awful.

Maybe next week I can get back into the gym.

Where Do We Go From Here?

That is a question Hub and I have gone half crazy thinking about over the last three years of life as an infertile cupple. We have talked about the next steps alot in the past cupple of weeks, and we are quickly comming to a conclusion.

I am going to find a new RE when we get to MI, first thing after finding a place to live. I have been researching doctors online, and there aren't all that many in the area where we will be. In a way that has been a good thing because it has made our choice a lot easier. ( If anyone out there is in MI and knows a great RE please feel free to let me know. Thanks!! )

Im not really sure what our treatment plan will be as far as meds go. Nothing we have tried has ever wroked for me. I really hope something works for us this time. More than anything we want to be called mom and dad.

If I do not reach my goal weight before I find a primary care doctor, and get a refural to an RE, I will continue working torward my goal, and working to become a mom at the same time.

We are planing to just try ovulation induction to start. Then if it doesn't work after I actually ovulate for a cupple cycles we will reasses, and decide where to go from there.

Watch Me Shrink AND Plan Reassessment.

This week I weighed in at 194. : ) That's a loss of 4 lbs since my last formal weigh in, on 8/24. It equals out to about a pound per week. I am very happy with this considering all the junk food I ate while traveling.

Its been a little while since I did a formal weigh in post, so I thought this would be a good time to reassess my eating and fitness plan.

Eating Plan:


My eating plan has been really off for the past month or so, since we have been on the move. I have been following calorie restriction for the last two weeks, and it has been going well, with the exception of a few days that I went a little over my allotted calories for the day. ( My birthday... *cough*... so it really doesn't count...)

The New and Improved Plan.

* Eat no more than my allotted calories per day. (Currently about 1500.) Decreasing them as needed, as my weight goes down to continue losing the weight.

If you are interested, here is a decent calculator to determine how many calories you need for a day. To lose weight, subtract 500 for one pound per week, or 1000 for two pounds per week. I use an app on my iPhone to keep track of my calories each day. Its really great because it also reduces them automatically as my weight goes down.

* I'm going to think about what my food choices will do for my body, so that I make better food choices.

* I'm slowly going to cut down on my carb intake. I have insulin resistance related to PCOS, and limiting my carb intake will help me manage my insulin resistance, and help me with my health in the long run. I'm not going to give them up, but I am going to reduce the amount, and choose whole grains when ever possible.

* I am going to increase my water intake again.

Exercise Plan:

Since I have free access to a great gym for the next month I am planing on taking full advantage of it.

* I'm going to go a minimum of 1.5 miles at a moderate to vigorous pace on either the treadmill or the elliptical. ( between 3.5 and 5 ) 4 to 5 times a week.

* I am going to work one major muscle group alternating each day. Abs, arms & legs.

Goals:

* Small goal weight- 180 lbs. ( loss of 16 lbs)

* Ultimate goal- 175 lbs. ( I might decide to lose more based on how I feel and look)

* I want to be able to run 1 mile at 5 or higher on the treadmill or the elliptical without stopping, by November. I think this is very possible, as I ran three miles yesterday, and a mile and a half today with an average speed of 4.5. I think maybe this might happen before November... fingers crossed.

BMI and Weight

Starting Weight - 235lbs. BMI- 31.9 - Obese.

Current - 194 lbs BMI- 26.3 - Overweight.

Small goal - 180 lbs BMI - 24.4 - Normal.

Ultimate goal - 175 BMI - 23.7 - Normal.

Perfect Weekend... Almost... Also Holy Parentheses!

This weekend was one for the record books. We spent a good portion of it at the beach, in the beautiful, crystal clear, warm waters of the gulf of Mexico. Hub ran a 5K and I cheered him on, and we went to a Seafood Festival. Amazing.

Saturday:

We got up before the sun, got in the car and went downtown. Hub ran a 5k race and I cheered him on. I didn't run because I don't think I could run for the whole time, especially in the heat, also, there was a $25 a person buy in. Yeah... in my world that $25 dollars could go to buy a new outfit or shoes, or food, not to pay to have the privilege to run a race, and lose, because you know I'm not a world class athlete or anything. No thank you! ( P.S. this one did not benefit a charity. If it did than it might have been different.)



That's hub crossing the finish line at the 5k.

After the race we came back to our hotel room, and got cleaned up, and went to the Seafood Festival. I have to be honest, I Come from a place where our Seafood Fest is THE EVENT of the year. There are thousands of vendors and amazing food. So I set the bar high... a little too high. This one was nothing like that. It was about 2000 people crammed into a neighborhood park, with about 300 vendors, and not a whole lot of shade. Also, it was nowhere near the ocean. The food was expensive com paired to the 5 or 10 bucks I used to pay back home, and the worst part is that you had to order a whole meal, with sides, instead of getting to try alot of little things. But Hub and I still had fun.

After the eating fest, we went to the beach. I didn't have anything remotely like a bathing suit on but it was so hot I went swimming in a skirt and tank top. We found the most beautiful sea shells we have found anywhere. We collect them and use them to decorate our house, we have some from every beach we have ever been to. While hunting for shells under water ( because the bigger shells are to heavy to wash ashore) Hub swam into a jelly fish and got stung. (He was okay and it turned out to be not too bad of a sting.) We rushed out of the water and when we got to the sand a man told us he would be fine. (Even though I grew up on the beach I never had jelly fish issues... so I didn't really know.) The nice man also explained that there were turtles in the water eating the jelly fish. Hub trudged right back into the ocean to see the turtle. He said it was the closest he'd ever been to one. I saw it from the beach.



Sunday:

We went back to the beach, and continued hunting for shells. This time I wore a swim suit. We had been there for about two hours when hub called me over to look at something in the water. He was using the goggles to hunt for shells in the water and occasionally he finds a school of fish or some other cool thing and he gives me the goggles to look at it. I was on my way over to him and I felt this thing pinch my foot between my second and third toe. I assume it was a crab. It hurt so bad I was hysterical! We left the beach because my foot was bleeding and swelling, and I was in alot of pain. Let me tell you Internet, for such a little injury that thing sure did hurt alot! Now the top of my foot is all bruised, but its okay, and doesn't really hurt any more.

We learned an important lesson, the Gulf of Mexico is full of angry sea creatures, and we should be careful not to get to close to them.


I have made the decision to move my weigh ins to Tuesday. Mostly because the only scale I have access to is at the gym, and I work out in the afternoons on Monday. So check back tomorrow for my first real weigh in since I left VA.

Hello! Remember Me?

It's been a busy cupple of weeks! Lets see, I packed up our home in VA and headed north west to Detroit. I got mistaken for a hooker by a crak head in Pittsburgh. I spent a week with my in-laws in Michigan and I had a good time. We made our way slowly south to Florida, with stops in Cinncinnati and Nashville. I got to scratch two of the Places to see before I die off my list. ( Nashville and the Gulf Coast.) I got alot closer to Hub and I feel like we've made up for some of that lost time. Oh and I turned 24 yesterday. Get popcorn and a tastey beverage, settle into a comphy spot and get ready for a long and sometimes funny post. Oh there will be pictures!

Part One : Goodbye Virginia!



That is me, inside my ex-fridge, scrubbing it. No it wasn't dirty really, I'm just one of those people who are finatcial about makeing sure we get our security deposit back. We slept on an air bed or a week and I cleaned and Hub finished up at work. We also vistied all of the places we knew we would miss.



Goodbye Virginia Beach! We will miss you!

Part Two: Pittsburgh.

There are no pictures of this part.

Because the drive to Detroit was about 10 or more hours, and we were in two seperate cars at that point, we broke it up in to two legs. Unfortunately, Pittsburgh falls somewhere around the middle of that journey. Sorry if I offeneded anyone who might live there. Okay, no I'm really not. The people I met there were batshit crazy. Including the man who walked up behind me as I waited outside the bagel place with our dogs, for Hub to get our breakfast.

The night we got to Pittsburgh it was about 6:30, and we were starving! So after cleaning up a little bit, and taking the dogs out. We hit the street to find something to eat. I saw a lot of promising looking places while lost and driving around the same three blocks looking for the parking garage that the hotel staff said was out side of the hotel, PS, it was under it. But to our supprise we soon found that they had all closed at 5pm. Even McDonnalds. Yeah, you read that right. All of the businesses closed at or before 5, every single one in the city, except for a few dive bars. That's where we ended up. In a smokey dive bar, with the most discusting food you can immagine. I ordered a salad, and it was ineatable. I'll leave it at that.

The next morning, Hub and I were still starving, so off we went to a bagel place. Hub went in, and I waited outside with Ty and Buddy. While I was out there, I heard this man yelling from down the street, "How Much!?" Over and over. I didn't think He was talking to me. He couldn't be. Why would he be? There I was, standing out side of the bagel place, in my ratty traveling clothes. Dogs tangleing me up with they're leashes. The crazy man walked right up to me, and said, and I quote, "Oh your married, I thought you were a hooker." Then he staggered off.

I was pretty floored. to say the least, Hub came out and I told him what had happened and he hugged me and we went back to the cars and left. Also right then we crossed Pittsburgh off our list of places to go back to.

Part Three: Michigan.



After the crazyness in Pittsburgh, we headded off to Detroit. We saw all kinds of family and never sat still not for even one minute. But somehow it was relaxing. We went to two diffrent cider mills, in the search for the best cider and doughnuts. The best ones were up by Hub's Grandparrent's house. It had been about three years since either of us had cider, so that was a real treat. We went to the Romeo peach festival, and it was alot of fun. That picture above is of Hub, me, and my sister in-law. waiting for the prarade to start.

Sadly at the end of the week, we had to leave Detroit, and our dogs behind. I miss them alot.

Part Four: Cinncinnati



When we left, Michigan, we made our way slowly south. We stopped the first night in Cinncinati. They had a street party that night, and we had some really good food. Cinncinati was a really nice stop over.

Part Five: Nashville In Pictures.








That's me on stage at the Ryman. That was a life long dream come true.





That night we went out and hit the clubs on Broadway. Immagine my supprise when we walked into The Stage and this is who we saw singing:



We will be going back to Nashville on the way back up to Michigan, and I can't wait!

A New Look...

... for a brand new start.

Since I'm moving right now, and I get a fresh start I thought it was time to change up the background of this pit in which I spew my insanity.

There's something about laying on a leaky air mattress on my living room floor, in my empty house, listening to katydids chirp, and feeling the breeze blow a faint hint of fall through the window, that makes change feel comfortable. Like clockwork, every two years just as hurricane season rolls in, we roll out. To a new life, a fresh start, a different duty station for Hub, and a new job for me. All of our belongings get boxed up and sent to where ever the Navy deems should be our new home. This year that place is Detroit.

Detroit, the land of recession and job loss. Good for Hub, he's going to be a recruiter. Maybe, not so good for me, I don't know if there is a job there for me, but I will find out. There are plans to get a degree, and to find a new RE and begin the baby making process again.

Somewhere in the suburbs of Motor City Hub grew up, his side of our scattered family lives there, well most of it anyway. So that will be good for us. We have yet to live anywhere near family, unless you count that year we lived 4 hours from my Mom as near. I don't. I didn't get to see her as much as I had hoped, with all the crazy IF treatment and what not.

So tonight, I'm bracing myself for a 2 week road trip with exciting stops. Such as, Pittsburgh, and Nashville, and all of the rest areas between. Followed by living remotely for a month in FL, on the pan handle during hurricane season. Followed by a road trip back up to Detroit. My life right now is chaos. I'm afraid there is no other word for it, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Back in the Sneakers Agian.

Today I hopped back on the treadmill. I hadn't ran at all in at least a week, and I haven't had any sort of routine for the past month.

I'm really out of shape. After ten minutes on the treadmill I had to stop. My lungs burned, my shins hurt. Worst of all I felt every little bit of flab smacking and jiggling. It was awful, and I couldn't finish my twenty minutes. I feel pretty terrible about this, and I realized that I can't stop working out. I can't do that to myself.

So my new plan is to really make a a huge effort to work out more consistently. I need to keep on this path, and move forward, and not in reverse.

Watch me Shrink

I'm back down to 198!! YAY! I was really worried there for a minute.

This week the plan is to fit in workouts everywhere I can. This morning I have some time so I'm going to run. I've actually missed running.

I am finding better ways to eat well and use up the stuff we have on hand. So I hope that helps.

Off to go run then clean out my side of the master closet and weed through a ton of art supplies, before the guy that bought my living room set comes to pick it up later today.

This week is going to be nuts. They are going to be packing us out on Monday, and everything needs to be organized and cleaned out by then. *SIGH*

This week has not exactly been stellar on the diet and exercise front. I haven't had the chance to work out at all with all of the stuff going on as we are getting ready to move. Hub and I have been cleaning out the house for the past few days. We never really had a chance to move into our town house three years ago, so alot of the closets are full of junk that we didn't weed out in the last move. Also, our townhouse complex does not allow yard sales, so we have been listing all of the stuff that still has life left in it on craigs list. In case you've never done this, it's time consuming and your phone never stops ringing. Oh and your parading a bunch of freaks through your home... Awesome! So glad I'm at work today and Hub is handling all of the inquaries today.

Oh and eating... Don't get me started on how impossible it is to eat healthy when your trying to eat all the stuff in your fridge and pantry. Did I mention there is chocolate lava cake in my freezer? Nope... Well there is... ( * disclaimer * they were from an anniversary and yeah we never ate them... Trash now...) anyhow... It's hard squishing all the random junk into a suitable lunch, really hard when you consider I'm still working, so it has to be portable. So that random can of green beans won't work. We're trying not to buy anything but I'm stopping on the way home to get milk and bread, we have too much dry cereal and coffee to not have milk.

Wow this is really rambally... Oh well it's all I can manage given the current state of my insane life.

We are about to kick off a huge road trip. We leave here sometime the first week in September and we are driving our two cars to Detroit, with a stop over in Pittsburg. From Detroit we are driving my car to Pennsacola Fl. On the way down we are stopping in Nashville for a night. Check back for pictures and tales from the road. Oh and then you get to read about what it's like to live in a hotel room on a Navy base for a month... Boy won't that be fun...

Gah Busy ~ And ~ Watch me Shrink - Late Edition.

This week was chaos. As you may have read last week my best friend came back into my life, after about 8 years. Its almost like nothing has changed. She seems to be doing better now. I hope she continues down the road to getting her life straightened out.

My Mom and her fiance came down for a long weekend. We ha a lot of fun and I missed her a lot. I'm glad she came down.

So now you know why I haven't posted in about a week, sorry ... bad blogger... I know... I suck... I'm sorry.

This weeks weigh in was not good. I weighed in at 201 ... yeah... not good. Not good at all. Sunday night we went out to the beach and camped out at the bar. I drank, a few. So I think my weigh in may not be very accurate. I have avoided the scale like the plague since Monday for fear it would still say the same thing.

Even so, I feel like crap because, I haven't worked out in a while, since at least last week, and my eating has been way out of control. I don't even know how out of control it was because I didn't keep very good track of it.

This week I am going to work out every day (starting tomorrow) and eat well. I'm going to get myself back on track.

My cycle went away again. It had been coming pretty regular up until last month, since I started losing weight. I'm bummed about that... really bummed. So hopefully that will come back soon.

We are getting ready for our move the week after next, so I will be really busy cleaning things out and getting organized. Right now my life is wrapped up in lists.

The Great Escape.

I spent my day off getting lost in the various cities in the middle of the east coast. I got her. She's safe. I picked her up and through the luggage in the truck and off we went to my home. I'm happy. So is she. She is smiling and laughing and that is such a big turn around from how she sounded on the phone.

It's almost like that 10ish years that I didn't know where she was never happened.

I missed my friend.

Now we are getting ready for my Mom to come visit of Friday. This is going to be a great weekend. :)

More next week when I have a minute.

Black Cloud.

There once was a girl, she grew up in a world covered by a black cloud. Everywhere around her was violence. Her father beat and verbally abused her every waking moment. She began to believe it was normal to live in a world of fear and hate, to feel empty and worthless. It didn't seem odd that when she was a teenager her boyfriend began to beat and rape her and make her feel more worthless and empty inside everyday. He said he'd kill her family if she told a sole or left him. He was crazy, so she believed him and went right on pretending everything was fine.

She grew up graduated high school with one of her "I'm hiding the pain and horror inside" smiles on her face. She counted the days till she could go to college. She would finally be safe there, she told herself. But not on weekends. Weekends she went home, her mother needed her. They were all each other had.

Her mom divorced that asshole that was allegedly her father in November that year. (She still shutters to think that some where inside her is even one speck of his DNA) Because; her mom had that strength and courage, she found her own courage deep inside to say she was done with the violence in her life. She told that boy he was gone for good. Her mother knocked his teeth out when she found out what he had done. She hasn't spoken to her "father" in five years.

Even now, violence makes her sick inside.

That girl is me. All of that is true. It took me along time to admit that out loud. I healed, so did my mother. Yes there are scars but the wounds have closed over. I married a great man, and I live a great life.

I thought I had escaped the horrific dark cloud of domestic violence. I guess not.

I just found out that the only real friend I had growing up is in the same boat I found my self in not too long ago. Tonight I sit here drinking straight Jack on ice just trying to make the shaking stop and the awful thoughts of what that ass hat is doing to her go away, or at least dull. I'm formulating a plan to save her. She's only a few hours away. I'm closer then both of our families and he'd never find her her here.

She was my best friend. We were inseparable. She lived at my house. We were sisters. She comes from a long line of screwed up just like I do. But hers is a bit worse. Her grandmother raised her, her mom ran off and her father was in jail. My family took her in and adopted her (not legally). We shared and room and our secrets, as we grew up together, alone.

My mom offered to formally adopt her. Instead of letting that happen, her grandmother, locked her up in a home for screwed up kids, after having her locked up in the mental hospital. Her grandmother alleged she was suicidal. She wasn't. She was living at my house, her grandmother had no way of knowing that without a crystal ball. Her grandmother just didn't want to lose the money the state paid her for being a guardian.

Sadly I lost touch with her after a long string of homes her grandmother put her away in. She would run away and my family would pick her up. Sometimes she'd stay for a week or two. Then she would be put in a home that was father away, until finally we lost her.

I haven't stopped thinking about her since. I've missed her everyday. I missed her when I got married, and I miss her now that my mom is sick. I lost my sister.

I'm sick to my stomach thinking about what could be happening to her tonight. All I keep thinking about is that he could be hitting her right now, and I could stop it. I could stop it this time. She needs me and I will stop it. I'm tring to find away to arrange me picking her up. Easier said then done. He has blocked the computer so she can't use it. She's not "allowed" to go out, and he tracks her phone calls.

What he doesn't know is that I have a number local to my home state... but I'm not there. Hold on, I'm comming for you.

Show and Tell ~ Ice Cream

This week I brought my home made strawberry ice cream to share with the class. Since you can't taste through the Internet, here is the recipe with photos.






Step 1. Rinse and cut up 2 pints of fresh straw berries. (The nasty bruised up ones seem to taste the best, your going to puree them any way.) Save about 6 nice berries to dice up to add as chunks. * I am of the school of belief that all good ice cream should have chunks. *





Step 2. Puree the berries in the food processor. ( If you don't have one a a blender will work) Strain out some of the pulp and seeds. Put the berry mush in the freezer to hang out and get cold.






Step 3. Whisk 2 eggs until they are as blended as possible ( They will be a pretty custard yellow color). Then add 2 Cups of half and half, 1 Cup of whipping cream, 1 1/4 cup of sugar, and 1/4 tsp of vanilla. Whisk till all is combined.





Step 4. Get your strawberry mush out of the freezer, and add it to your cream mix. Put your pretty pink ice cream mix in the freezer for about half an hour or so, to cool down. DO NOT FREEZE IT SOLID





Step 5 Put your ice cream mix into your ice cream machine and freeze per the directions. It took my machine about a half hour.




Step 6. Mix in the strawberry chunks that you set aside earlier. You can either eat it now or you can put it in the freezer and let it set up. I put mine in some glad*ware and froze it, because my mom is coming to visit next week. This week I will be making chocolate and vanilla too.

*Oh and you may need to put an alarm on it because it is seriously good, and stray family members may eat it...

**I never said this was healthy... I just said it is good... Don't worry I wont tell your nutritionist. ; )

Go over to Mel's and see what everyone else is showing this week.

We Interrupt This Mundane Wednesday...

... to bring you some awesome news.

I did it!! I got below 200!!! Drum roll please! 198!!! YIKES! I fell off the scale. really... I have no idea why I lost two pounds. Yesterday was the crappiest eating day since I started this. There were pancakes for dinner no less. I am so happy!!! Anyhow off to clean the house and work out, then take the dog to get his nails clipped. So much for a day off right, lol.

Watch me Shrink

I didn't. I'm the same again... on the scale. I have 2 pairs of pants that are falling off from the moment I put them on so I think Ive lost some inches.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Call me insane, because my plan is to do more of the same. Kick ass workouts and eating well this week.

Off to do my house work pay bills and make a shopping list so I don't forget cranberry juice. I think I'm getting a bladder infection. *sigh*

Show and Tell

I've been looking at all of the posts over on Mel's blog for show and tell for awhile now. I've wanted to post one but I never got around to it.

This is my very first one.

This is my little branch of the family tree.




This is Hub. I took this picture of him on a train in the Smokey Mountains. We went on vacation there after his first deployment.



This is our first baby Ty. ( and those are my legs... ) He was still a puppy in that picture. He's a Miniature Pincher... but he thinks hes a people kid... so don't tell him. In fact that was taken in our first apartment. We had bugs bigger then him... but that's a story for another post. He's a ball of energy, that never stops moving... unless there are snacks... then he will hold still long enough to inhale them and take off bouncing again.



This is Buddy... he answers to Bubba. He's our second baby. We adopted him two years ago, but it feels like he's always been a part of our family. He's Ty's polar opposite. He is a bag of sleepy, slow wrinkles, that only moves for snacks. (We like snacks...) He's some sort of Shar Pei mix but no one seems to be able to tell us what he's mixed with. He's a bit neurotic, and scared of things that make no sense... like grass, but only after it is cut. He refuses to step on it and stays on the brick path in the yard. He's sorta like Monk in dog form. We love him anyway.



This is me. Pre-fertility drug induced weight gain... all 40 pounds of it. I'm happy to say I'm almost back there. I'm soaking up some sun outside of the lorikeet cage at Busch Gardens.

I thought it was time to introduce the main players in my blog seeing as how I've been writing this blog since January.

Head over to Mel's and see what everyone else is showing.

If anyones knows how to get your pictures to fit in the space better I would love to know. I would post many more pictures if I did . Thanks for looking!!!

Watch Me Shrink ~ or ~ Ouch Ouch Push-ups Hurt.

Big suprise... or not I still weigh 200. I'm not all that upset about it because I know it will go down this week. I think this is my big hill to get over, and when I do it will be so much easier and better.

I'm planing on working out everyday this week. I'm already sore. Mostly my arms... from push ups. OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! I just did 40. Yeah I know right 40! Insane!

I started the no carb thing today. I was weak... there were goldfish... the whole wheat kind... Tommrow I will be better.

This is the one where I'm sad at work

I just told the condo board president that Hub got orders and we will be leaving in September. Not only that but my last day here will be August 30 th. I have to tell my boss when she gets here. I wish I didn't have to, but I do. I'm sad I don't want to quit this job, and leave all of these good people.

I'm going to miss this... I'm going to want this back...

Gearing up.

I went to the grocery store today and I got a truck load of fruits and veggies. I also got Nesquick. I know... actually it turns out its not bad for you. It has like 30% of the calcium you need in a day... ummmm guys... and its CHOCOLATE! * gasp!!!
I got home and cleaned out my fridge. All the bread and bad stuff and spoiled food gone. I feel like I'm starting fresh, and that's a good thing.

Right now I'm watching Ruby on the Style network, I'm sorta addicted to it. She's so motivating, and her story is pretty amazing. When I watch it I always feel like if she can lose 100 + pounds by working out and eating right, then I can really reach my goal, and run, and get in that extra work out, and I can certainly continue to eat healthy.

The plan

I am still stuck at 200. Im working out and eating under my calories everyday and nothing seems to be takeing off the weight. So, I have decided to cut the carbs out until I lose five pounds. Hopefully that will happen in a the next few weeks.

Starting on Monday, my plan is to eat mostly fruit and veggies and protien. Wish me luck.

weird... just weird...

I trained my replacement at work today. Have you ever done that? It's weird... just weird... and it happened fast. I know they need to replace me, but still I only left a note letting her know about the possibility of my move on Monday... fast... and weird...

Also I've had a migraine for two damn days. I'm going on a Motrin hunt... wana come?

Watch Me Shrink...

Or not... Yeah I stayed the same this week, but it doesn't really supprise me. I've eaten alot of carbs and not worked out except that one time in two weeks.

My goals this week:

I am going to eat loads of fruit and veggies and proteen... NOT CARBS... yeah... me and carbs not friends...

Im still going to use Lose it on my I*phone to keep track of my calories and exercize. I'm going to aim at being about 400 calories under my limit every day (That's 2800 extra calories every week that I wont be eating, and that is equal to about 3/4 of a pound) . I find a lot of the time I really dont need some of the food I'm eating. I'm just eating it to fill up my calories for the day.

I am going to work out every other day. I am going to do my 20 minute run, then a strength training session. Possibly on the off days I might do Yoga, because I am still sore from what I did on Sunday night and I think all the streching will help that.

I need to find a good way to kill cravings. It's been really bad lately in the I'd kill for chocolate department. Any sugestions?

Im off now to work out, even though I really dont want to because Im still sore from Sunday.

Working it.

I just finished my first workout in two weeks! I feel great! My heart's pumping and my muscles are sore (they will kill tomorrow). I feel alive! The best part is I can breath and I worked off a lot of stress. With Hub being gone it builds up faster, so its great to have my outlet back again. I ran for twenty minutes, I did week 3, it kicked my butt a little but no more than it did before I was sick. I feel really great knowing that my progress didn't go in reverse. I burned off 304 calories. YAY!

I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

35 down 25 to go! I'm going to do it!

Changes.

This year has been all about change for me. I have spent all of it so far changing my body to live a healthier life, and in turn I have changed the way I live my life. So it is fitting that this year of change comes complete with a geographical change as well.

We got orders to move to Michigan. Its a bit more complicated then that of coarse because the Navy is involved. Hub has to be in Florida mid September for training for a month and I'm going to tag along, because well beach time would be great and I don't really know what I would do with myself for a month with no apartment or home base. Then we have a whole month in limbo getting settled with a brief stop over in Great Lakes to see just where we will end up.

I've known this was coming for a few months now, but I've been avoiding thinking about it really. I wanted to wait for the orders came through to make sure, before I made any plans. I'm nervous about this move. Mostly I'm scared we will get there and I wont be able to find work, and we wont be able to find a rental house. I'm really scared to move to the crater of this recession that this country is stuck in.

I'm so scared that I haven't even mentioned this to my boss yet. I'm really bummed about leaving this job. I know its not the greatest or the best job going but, I love it. The people are great and I feel needed there. I feel awful about telling my boss that I will have to leave. I have to tell her on Wednesday. Right now I feel like there is an elephant on my chest. For the first time ever I really don't want to move. I'm glad its shore duty time and that Hub wont be going underway, really glad. I just wish I could take my whole life with me this time.

I know this is sort of an irrational fear, and that I can and will find something to do out there, but I cant help it. I might just go to school and the RE. Oh yeah, because it is shore duty, I will be heading back to the RE, as soon as I find one... if anyone knows of a good on it the Metro Detroit area and would like to share that would be great! ( Thanks!)

The next month and a half will be a count down to moving. I'll of coarse be writing about it because that's what I do. Thinking about all that I've got to do is making my head spin, somehow I will get it all done though. I always do.

Things I have to do / start doing right now:

* Start weeding out all of the junk I don't want to move, and get rid of it. ( This is going to be a big job, we have a lot of junk.)

* Tell my boss.

* Get the dogs ready to stay at my mother in law's house for about a month... with out us... ( I don't want to leave my babies!!! That's the worst part.)

This list will grow.

On a happier note, my mommy is coming to visit! : ) I'm so happy!!! She will be here for a long weekend in August. I can't wait! I miss her a lot!

Watch me Shrink

It feels like I just did this a couple of days ago. : )

I lost another pound! I'm down to 200 even. I'm getting pretty excited next week there will be a 1 in front instead of a 2. I really can't wait.

I wasn't able to work out this week because I'm sick. I'm still getting over it and I have way to much chest congestion to even think about jumping on the treadmill.
So this week I'm still focusing on getting better.

Watch Me Shrink

I know its not Monday, I'm sorry that this is late but I've been sick. Hub had the plague and he shared it. So I went to the doctor yesterday and I have pharyngitis and strep. Great! ... not!

I lost two pounds I am now 201. Something good came of not really wanting to eat because I can't really swallow.
I don't really endorse this diet. But hey if your sick you might as well shrink a little right?


This week I'm really focusing on getting better.

Sorry this post stinks.

After all this time nothing ever changes, and everything stays the same.

Last night I dreamt I brought a little girl to a carnival on the Forth of July. Her blue dress spun out as she twirled in circles picking wild flowers, her hair the same color as mine blowing in the breeze. I couldn't see her face, but I knew she was my daughter. I knew because I called her Katie. We laughed and played and I watched her watching the fireworks. She called me Mommy.

Its been so long now and yet that wound remains a festering gangrenous sore around my broken heart. Its the fourth of July, and I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be with friends watching the fireworks and being proud of my husband, and my country. But I'm not. I'm alone sitting on the couch in my empty house watching a movie and drying the tears I cried over the family I should have had. Hub's on duty, so there were no cook outs or fireworks for me, in fact I don't think we have ever had a Fourth of July that we spent together, so that's nothing new.

I just wish the pain would dull for me like it seems to do for everyone else I know. It's been four years and sometimes I feel still feel like someone just ripped out my heart. I think maybe, this is because I lost the one thing I wanted most, and I didn't realize it until she was gone. I feel foolish in a way for missing someone who was never actually here, but I do. I miss the idea of a family of my own and the hope I felt. I lost that innocence, and nothing will ever be the same.

I feel torchered by this because I can't have Katie in life, but I have her in my dreams. I dream about her just before every holiday, and special event. The dreams are always happy. I always wake up happy, but god forbid if I'm alone on that day. All I can think about is what it would be like if I had the life in my dreams.

I still miss her, and its so unfair.

Running

I am typing this post on my iPhone so please bear with me.

I have not gotten on my treadmill once this week. I really do miss running, but I am completly lacking motivation. I have worked out this week. Hub and I have gone to the beach twice and we swim laps in the ocean. I feel a little like i'm failing. I don't like that one bit. I know that if I go home tonight and hop on the treadmill I can get in 2 runs this week and that would be better than where I am right now, but I'm not sure that will happen. Hub is at home and spending his rare Friday off sick, so Im sure that anything that gets today will be on me. I'm going to try my hardest to get out of my slump today and get off my ass and RUN!

I am also postponing the 30 day shred because when I went to the store the other day they wanted 20 bucks for it. I had looked on same stores website and it was 8 dollars. So needless to say I will be ordering it online.


Have a good 4 th of July everyone !!

Watch me Shrink

As you might have noticed, there was no weigh in last week. I was on vacation. When I got back I was weighing in at 208. *GASP!*

This week I'm back to weighing in at 204. PHEW!!! I think the best thing I did to help me this week was using an app on my new i phone called lose it! Its like a food diary on steroids, and I will keep using it. I even got Hub doing it. I like it because it lets me see what I am doing right and not so right.

This week I ran one time. : ( I didn't run because I've had this weird pain in my stomach everytime I moved it got worse. Thankfully its not as bad as it was eailier in the week, I couldn't walk or bend or reach with out wanting it scream.

My goals for this week are:

Run more! Like more than once and make it to week 3 of my couch to 10k.

On the first I am going to start the 30 day shred to hopefully break this plateau I've been on for a while now.

I want to keep using lose it, and falling in below my calorie limit for the day.

I will make better food choices this week.

Road trips and Broken Hubs.

We got back from a random and really fun road trip yesterday. We had planned to hang out around the area and maybe go to the water park, but hub sprained his ankle last Monday, at work. I spent the better part of two days running around to various doctors with him to make sure it wasn't broken. Only Navy Docs would send you home for the night "Walk it off Sailor... you'll be okay..." ( no one was there to read his Xrays at 3pm... so yeah lesson learned ... don't hurt one's self after noon... cause no docs will be there to fix it...) After we discovered Hub is only mildly broken we didn't know what to do with our time off. ( We had planned this escape like a month ago...) So we got online and found a drive in theater like 2 hours away. Hub booked a room at Ye ole Inn of Holiday... and we drove.

We got there all ready to see Up and Land of the Lost (even though we saw that when it came out... see it ... its funny. ) I pulled up to the door and let Cripple ( what I'm affectionately calling Hub for the time being) out. The desk lady ran over to the door and started spraying air freshener like there was no tomorrow. Like the hole can! OMFG! ALOT OF IT! I parked the truck and walked in and began choking. Because believe it or not the 6 gallons of air freshener and the 20 open paint cans on the floor couldn't possibly cover the smell. I can only describe the smell as a rather large family of very dead vermin ( IE Possums... just guessing... but hey we were in the middle of Nowheresville NC) The smell took over the whole place... even our room... the dirtiest "suite" you could imagine... so we turned back around told the air freshener lady thanks but we wont be staying here and left. And you know what Internet? She actually asked us why we wouldn't stay there. I swear to god!

So Back on the road again we went and ended up in Durham NC. Where we drove past Duke uni. While stopped next to it I turned to Hub and said, " I smeel farter already" ... yup classic... I put my foot in my mouth that fast. After getting lost because Lola ( our GPS... yes I name inanimate objects... so?) apparently had no idea where on earth we were, we made it to the hotel, and I am proud to say this one was Possum free! YAY!

We went out and had pizza, good pizza and we decided to continue our trip and go down to Myrtle Beach SC. Hud hopped on his phone and made us reservations in a nice room in the same chain of hotels, just like that... like it was nothing. And because we had only packed for one night away we went to a Super Target. yeah... I had no idea! I want one! BAD! If you haven't guessed I <3 me some target.

We went back to the hotel and swam in the pool. That was so much fun.

We got up and I had what was not the most diet friendly breakfast, S&V chips... *drool...* and off we went again...

Myrtle Beach was so much fun although we took it easy and didn't do to much. We hung out at the pool till our room was ready, and I got some color. So now I'm white... not transparent. The room was nice and it had a big fluffy bed that ate you alive. We went out to the beach for some lunch and beer for Hub. Then we relaxed and got cleaned up and Hub took me to Margaretaville for dinner. WHOO FUN! Okay so I let loose and got a little drunk... but hell why not. It was vacation. We walked around the little shopping area for a little while then we went back to the beach for some cheap souvenirs and ice cream.

It was nice getting away from it all.

Meanwhile, we finally gave in and bought 2 i... phones still waiting for those to be delivered, and I want my toy now... * pout*... oh well. I'm off to make dinner, we're having Jerk Chicken.

Watch Me Shrink

So its Monday and surprise! ( or not...) I stayed the same.

I know why I stayed the same this week. There was 0 exercise... I know BAD! but I had a super crazy week. In fact I am squeezing in a quick post, because I have six frillion things to do today. I Just got back from dropping the truck off at the shop because it has a death rattle, and my house is under this mound of dirty dishes and laundry and dust bunnies. *sigh*

I'm half way to my goal! I realized that yesterday... I'm half way there. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, and I'm going to charge toward it. With this half way to my goal point, has come some small successes. Hub and I went to the water park, and my old swim suits didn't fit anymore. So I ventured out to the friendly neighborhood T**ge* store and I began trying on swim suits. I must have tried on 50. Not kidding. Every single one they had in my size in the store. I bought a bikini, not the tank top kind either! I'm pretty proud of that. Now I don’t have six pack abs ( probably never will) and I'm not a stick I know this, but I’m not scaring children and I look pretty damn good in it. I don’t even care about my scar any more. ( I have a huge scar that looks like someone tried to saw me in half across my stomach, from having my spleen and gallbladder out when I was 5)

Also at the water park I climbed the 6 or 8 flights of stairs up to the one slide we got to go on before the thunderstorm started ( we have rain tickets that we might use this weekend) I wasn't even the least bit winded. Not at all. The two girls behind me were about my old size possibly a bit smaller, and they couldn't even talk when they got up to the platform. I know that would have been me last summer. I'm very proud of myself. I can also feel myself coming back out of my shell. I’m so much happier and I feel like I'm living again.

All three of my auctions sold last night! YAY! After these people pay me I'll be half way to buying an I*p*o*e... Yup I decided on something fun. I've worked hard and I've earned it. I've been buying clothes as I go and that is what seems to be working. If I waited until I was done I would be roaming the streets naked, because seriously, I might have 1 thing that fits me from before. That is only because it was WAY too small when I bought it. In the next few weeks I will be cleaning out my house and I might sell some more stuff on there. We will be moving at the end of the summer. Not sure where yet. It will most likely be the Detroit area to recruit. But Hub just got scoped out for an awesome shore billet doing electronicy work. Its what he really wants to do when he gets out, and the best part is we will be stationed in CT again, nearish my mom if he gets that, and he really wants it! Keep your fingers crossed!

Oh well... on with it...

This week I'm going to suck it up and get on to Week 3. I think I've put it off for so long because I'm a little scared to run for that long and I'm a little scared that I wont make it. But its time I’ve drug my feet for long enough.

Here’s a break down of week 3:

Day 1: Brisk five-minute warm-up walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
•Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
•Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
•Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
•Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Day 2: Brisk five-minute warm-up walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
•Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
•Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
•Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
•Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Day 3:Brisk five-minute warm-up walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
•Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
•Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
•Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
•Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

I will also be doing strength training. I've come this far and nothing is going to stop me now!


My goal is still 10 lbs down by the 30th of this month!
Well I'm off to scrape the crud out of my life. : )

I shrank.

Yesterday I cleaned out my closet. I knew I have lost some weight, okay, more than some. I didn't realize that I had so many things that I could no longer wear. Here look at all this....





Under all that somewhere is a king size bed. Nuts.... Just Nuts...


I could not believe all of that. So, instead of keeping and storing all of those clothes I am going to sell them on e*bay. If anyone is a size 16 18 ish go take a look, there are some good clothes. I have a shopping habit. I'll edit this post to add the links after I list them all, some time in the next few days.

Listing # 1

Listing # 2

It hadn't really hit me until I saw that mountain of clothes on the bed, I was standing there in my size 14 pants that I am starting to shrink out of, and I realized that I'm not that person any more. I had the big box sitting there and I was going to put all of that away. I don't have room for it, and I don't plan on using it again, so I'm getting rid of it. Maybe someone else needs it, and I can use that money to buy new clothes or something fun. I'm excited to make it to my goal now. I will reach my goal. :) If your stuck cleaning out the whole closet and getting rid of all of the things you can't wear any more is a great motivator.

Watch Me Shrink.

This day might just be the best day of my life... so far...

First off, because I know your dieing to know, I lost 1 pound this week. I think that is a little shocking because Hub has dragged my butt out for icecream about 4 times... *sigh* But I got him on board. So this week will be better. He is trying to lose a few pounds too. He's been talking about it since he got home from his last deployment. ( Not that he really has many pounds to lose... like 10 maybe...)

I dont think I am going to manage to lose my 10 lbs by the 15th. : ( So I am going to push that goal date back to the 30th, and I'm going to work my ass off to do it.

Running : Since I bumpped my speed up last week, week 2 has been kicking my butt. So I'm going to stick to week 2, at least till Wenesday. Then depending on how I feel, I might move up to week 3.


Now for the good part. I found out that my favorite show ever is comming back on the air, TONIGHT! Yay!!! GILMORE GIRLS! I'm so excited, and the DVR is primed and ready!

The DVR is primed beacuse Hub got us Tides tickets for tonight. The Tides are the local minor leage baseball team. I haven't been to a game in a very long time, and I am really excited! Okay, so it's not the Red Sox, but I'm still pretty excited.

Well I have like 20 things I have to do before I get to go to the game tonight, so I gotta run.

My Best Friend.

My Mom has been my best friend for my whole life. When I think of every happy moment or bad day, she's the person I call and the one waiting in the wings.

She is also the strongest person I know. There have been so many things that my (now very small) family have had to make it through. She is the only reason we came out on the other side. That stress, of the millions of things that no one should ever have to live through, has sat on her shoulders, and festered inside of her, and it become sickness. Cancer, and heart problems, and some odd mystery mass in her lung.

I would love it if for once the people who created those problems could experience just a little of that pain, but really evil doesn't feel pain, nor does it die. That is unfortunate for the rest of us.

Last night for the first time in my life, I heard her scared. I heard her concider giving up. She can't give up, because it is letting them win. She has spent her whole life fightting them, and she can't let them win now. I wont let her.

I will never understand how the universe just seems to align for the people who break things, and cause pain. But everything just falls apart, for the good people. I hope that I can be half the person she is.

Hope is a Strange Strange Thing.

After all this time you would really think that I would not have any hope left. Strangely I do. There is a slight chance I might have O'ed on my own this week. This is really strange because I didn't even O while on crazy drugs. I'm pretty sure that I have only O'ed twice in my whole life. We might have even managed to catch it, on the off chance that I really did. I haven't even told Hub that I might have. I don't want to get his hope up too. It's bad enough when just one of us are disappointed. I do not, in any way, expect that I will see those illusive lines. But the hope is sort of nice while it lasts.

It's really strange finding comfort in hope that you know is just going to be squashed. I've really tried not to fall into all the old habits I had while in IF treatment. You know like, wandering through the baby department while your out shopping, and looking on E*b*y and a certain list for anything baby related. Sadly have looked, I can't help it.

I think this is what addicts feel like. They do things that they know are bad for them, but they can't help them selves. I know that in two weeks all of the tiny pink and blue onesies I hunted down in Internet land will sting... kinda alot. But; I just can't help it. I can't help but fuel that precious molecule of hope. For a small moment in time if nothing else I get that maybe. Maybe is so much better then No. So I'll settle in with the maybe, at least until its gone.

Watch me Shrink.

I stayed the same. Which I am thankful for. I had the head cold from hell this week and I couldn't run at all, because breathing was very difficult. I'm starting to feel better now, and will run today.

Goals :

I am sticking to loosing 10 pounds by June 15.

I am going to stick to the same week of the couch to 10K, and its probly going to kick my butt since I didn't do much running last week. I'm going to aim at keeping my speed up, and I might try to work in more runs, then just the three required.

Running.

This week running had been hard. So has everything else for that matter. I have the head cold from HELL! It feels like someone poured cement in all of the openings in my head and now its all dried and there is no way to get it out. I have had a bad headache all week too. I did manage to run one day and I did it one speed up! YAY!! I'm itching to try it again, but I just cant breath. So I don't think that would work. I might just try any way. I have tons on energy but I just can't breath. I'm contemplating putting TNT up my nose just to loosen things up. I think I'm going to go out and pick up extra strength cold meds.

Watch me shrink.

This week I lost 3 pounds! I now weigh 204. I have no idea how I managed to do this. I slacked big time on working out, and I had a few badish eating days. My sechedule was so messed up this week. I worked two shifts that I don't normally work, because the guy who is our afternoon security guy had a tripple bi-pass. This just sorta proves my point that my body is just plain weird. I have now offically lost 31 pounds! I'm pretty excited about that!

I decided to set a goal for the next few weeks. I want to lose 10 pounds before June 15th so I can see a 1 in front of my 3 digit number. That would bring me down to 194.

I'm going to work out better this week. The one time I managed to make it to the tread mill I did run the first burst faster 1 speed up. IT. WAS. HARD. I'm also adding that to my goal for June. I want to be able to run at that speed the whole time. (Through all of the running bursts.)

For this week I think I am going to stay on the same week of the couch to 10 K and work on my speed.

What a Night.

So last night, I went up stairs and I was reading in my room, and it was about midnight. Someone started banging on my door like to the point that I thought they would knock it down, and they were also ringing the bell like crazy, and screaming. So to say the least I was freaking out. I went into the spare bedroom that over looks my front door and of coarse I couldn't see anything. So I stood there really scared in the dark room watching the walk way for a while until this lunatic finally left. He walked around into the alley behind my house, and I continued to freak out. My neighbors were out back in their yard, thank goodness, because when they saw that man they called him over and distracted him. Turns out he partied just a bit too hard and forgot where he lived. So they pointed him in the right direction. But geeze! I think I could see my heart pounding out of my chest!

Welcome ICLWers! I <3 you!

A
- Available: nope
- Age: 23
- Annoyance: My neighbor's loud base.
- Animal: Dogs...

B
- Beer: No thanks...
- Birthday: September 22
- Best Friend: Phil, My mom, Julie...
- Best feeling in the world: being in love
- Blind or Deaf: Tough one... I'd rather be deaf... I'm an artistic person so seeing is inportant.
- Best weather: sunny and warm : )
- Been on stage: Yes... more times than I can count...
- Believe in Magic: Yup... not the look at the guy as he disappears the air plane magic... but real magic... yup...
- Believe in Santa: sometimes...

C
- Candy: peanut butter cups...
- Color: blue, pink
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Usually chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican: Today I'll pick Mexican... but that's a tough one...
- Cake or pie: Cake
- Continent to visit: Europe or Austraila.(someday)
- Cheese: Provolone

D
- Day or Night: Day
- Dance in the rain: Sure...

E
- Eyes: Blue
- Everyone has: crazyness...
- Ever failed a class?: nope...

F
- First thoughts waking up: I miss him...

G
- Greatest Fear: Not achieveing my dreams...
- Goals: mom, Teacher, novel
- Gum: yes please...
- Get along with your parents: My mom is my best friend.
- Good luck charm: don't have one...

H
- Hair Color: Blondeish redish brownish with Hilights... ( I'm a mess...)
- Height: 6'1
- Happy: Yeah..
- Holiday: Christmas or the 4th of July
- How do you want to die: painlessly and of old age in my sleep.

I
- Ice Cream: Thunder Cloud or coffee cookies and cream.
- Instrument: Guitar, I wish I could play.

J
- Jewelry: wedding rings, flower necklace, gold ring, toe ring.
- Job: Office Assistant. Wanna be Teacher... ( Yup I decided... I'm pretty sure this time..: ) )wanna be novelist.

K
- Kids: god, please soon...
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal: Blog...

L
- Longest Car Ride: Hasn't happened yet... We are going from here to MI, then from MI to FL... Stops in PA, Nashville, and New Orleans.... * Sigh* then from FL to MI ... only a cupple months latter...
- Love: is amazing.
- Letter: He sends me post cards. : )
- Laughed so hard you cried: Not in a while.

M
- Milk flavor: Like it some times... Especially when it's the chocolate kind.
- Movies: Love em... To many to list...
- Motion sickness: Never.

N
- Number of Siblings: 1 Brother , 1 sister in law... Soon to be 1 step sister, 1 Step brother...
- Number of Piercings: 2 in each ear
- Number: 17

O
- One wish: To be a Mom.

P
- Perfect Pizza: Beach Pizza... From the hole in the wall place on 286 in my home town.
- Pepsi/Coke: IBC root beer...

Q
- Quote: “If life gives you limes, make margaritas.” - Jimmy Buffett

R
- Reason to cry: IF, cancer....
- Reality TV: sometimes...
- Radio Station: 97.3, 103,1, 93.7.
- Ring size: 7.5

S
- Song: Lately anything Jimmy Buffett... just try to be in a bad mood when Jimmy is on... : )
- Salad Dressing: Blue Cheese.
- Sushi: Volcano Roll, and Monkey Brain roll.. not really monkey... or brains..
- Skipped school?: Only on Senior Skip Day...
- Slept outside: Yeah... Camping...
- Smoke: NEVER... not even once...
- Skinny dipped: Yup
- Sing well: most of the time...
- Swear: too much... I married a sailor...
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries Yummm... they are ripe right now... and I cant wait to go pick some...

T
- Time for bed: When I'm tired...
- Thunderstorms: Love em' thats the best time to sleep.

U
- Unpredictable: not offten.

V
- Vacation spot: Anywhere diffrent.

W
- Weakness: food...
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: My mom.
- Worst feeling: helplessness
- Wanted to be a model: Me... uhmmmm... see stage question...
- Where do we go when we die: I'm not sure... I'm not dead yet...
- Worst Weather: SNOW...YUCK!!!

X
- X-Rays: I've had a few....

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: sun... sand...

Z
- Zoo animal: big cats...