Wednesday, March 28, 2012


It’s been a while so I think it’s time for an update. (Damn straight I'm using bullets.)

* Started my low carb diet back up. It's not too bad so far. But it's only day one. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before we move. We'll see how that goes.

* Holding out a small-ish chunklet of hope that I might get knocked up again before we move and the reality of underways and deployments makes that dream highly unlikely for a while again.

* Still don't know where we are moving. Still hoping that we won’t get stuck with the G word.

* We bought a pop up camper! It's 30 years old... but it’s in really good shape. Looking forward to a lot of camping this season.

* Jack's vocabulary is exploding. He picks up at least one new word every day. He mastered Please ( pese!)... so everything is Bite please, more more more ... please, point to random thing at store Please *bats eyelashes.*

* I have some form of plague right now. It started as a rash on my cheek, and morphed into an awful head cold, with green gunk coming out of every hole in my face. (Sorry that was gross.)

* Planning on doing 3 mile walks everyday.(After the plague goes away.) Weather permitting. Wish me luck. Exercise has not been something that has come easy since having Jack. In fact I've sucked at it. I can't seem to find a balance between exercise and getting the stuff done. I'm hoping to change that.

* My house looks like a Toys R us exploded. I need some sort of organizing system. I just don't know where to start.

* Jack is in love with outside, and the slide, and playing with Balls. He knows the difference between a football and a basketball and a soccer ball and a baseball... and will tell you. Which makes any trip to the store super fun. He's all "foot ball pese." "Baskit ball pese!" "base ball pese!!" It's so hard to say no, and right now balls are every where.

* I'm pretty sure this is going to be the best spring/ summer ever! Because, Jack is exploding with all sorts of fun stuff.

Monday, March 5, 2012


This morning I got up and for about the millionth time I got out a pregnancy test. I took it. I waited. I stared and analyzed. I dissected it. I stared and I analyzed again. I held it up to the light. I did all the crazy things an Infertile will do to conjure up a line, when there isn't even a chance of one to conjure. Of course it was negative. It's always, with few exceptions, Negative. White as the driven snow negative. Most months I find something that might, maybe look like a line. I wait and pee on another one and of course its white, save for the control line.

Every month I invent a whole slew of symptoms. My boobs hurt, I cry at the drop of a hat, I took two naps this weekend, I've been nauseous, and throwing up all weekend. I'm craving Rice Crispies. (The list this month.) So of course by the time I unwrap the pee stick I'm convinced it'll be positive. Most of the time, I'm able to push away the disappointment of it, and hide it away. Today though, not so much. I'm not feeling strong enough to lie to myself.

I don't think that a second baby is going to just happen. The first took a lot of time, work, worry, and frustration. But every month a little part of me grows loud, and screams out in hope that maybe this month is the month. It never is. It probably never will be. I feel a little like I'm asking for lightning to strike the same barren ground for a second time. I know that it’s unlikely. Especially, given the current state of my body.

I want another child so very desperately. I don't want to make Jack live this nomadic life of ours, without someone to go through it with. I don't want him to feel alone. I had hoped that the pain of not being able to have what comes easily for so many, would go away after I had Jack. It didn't. It just changed a little bit. Now I mostly think about Jack, growing up alone, without someone to experience things with. Without that built in playmate. I think about all the moves this family will make, and all the friends my little man will leave behind. I just don't want him to go through that by himself. I feel like it'll be my fault.

I know that there are tons of only children out there, and some even grew up in a family like ours. They turned out fine. We had plans for a house full of babies. I just feel like maybe that’s not in the cards for us anymore. It hurts, more than I thought it would.

Friday, March 2, 2012


It's that time agian. We are waiting on orders. The options are coming out this comming week, and I'm hopeing that this month's are better than last month's.

I'm holding out hope that we can get orders here:

Yup... thats Hawaii. I think that would be a cool place to be for 3 years. If not that than hopefully near my family. Neither of which is likely, but a girl can dream right?!

I'm slowly starting to weed out all of our stuff. We have collected WAY too much junk over the years. I need to start on the basement next week. I've gotten so used to the constant change of moving, that I'm itching for it. I feel like we have been in one oceanless place for too long. Its time for change.

The not knowing where or exactly when is kinda driving me nuts though. I just want to know. That way I can make a "plan"... not that anything I can look at from my comphy couch will actually work out when we get there, but it makes me feel better to know what lies ahead.

Oh well... Waiting again. My whole life is about waiting.