Monday, December 31, 2012

Then There Were Two.

I know I haven't been writing too much, and I didn't write too much about this pregnancy. It went by so quickly that I lost track of time. Lorelai Diane  ( Her Daddy has been calling her Lola) was born on the 23rd of December at 4:50pm, at 32 weeks. She was 4lbs 2oz, and 17 inches long. She came into the world feisty and screaming.

Because she came so early, she is the NICU, but she is doing great. She has been breathing on her own, and never needed any help on that front. She basically just needs to learn how to eat and grow, then we can bring her home. To me its a little heart breaking that we can't all be together. My son is at his Grammy's house ( my mom) and we are staying at the Ronald Mcdonald house near her hospital. Its a little over an hour from our home. But I know its what needs to happen, and we will all be back together soon enough.

She was jaundiced and spent 7 days under the lights. So far she hasn't needed to be under them for the last two days, but there is a chance that she may need to go back under if her bilirubin levels go back up. It was something I expected. Jack needed the same thing, and I'm pretty sure it has a bit to do with sphearophytosis. ( it runs in my family, both me and Jack have it, and I'm 85% sure Lola does too.)

She has already gained 3 oz and is only 9 days old. That is pretty weird to say because her preeme sized clothes are huge on her, but she is growing. :)  I'm pretty proud of that because she is getting about 90 to 95% breast milk. I am so happy that it seems to be coming in this time, and I can provide the milk that she needs. Although pumping is a pain ( sometimes literally) it makes me feel like I am doing something to help her.

 I will write her birth story soon, when things calm down a bit.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


Well the moving truck came and took all of our things last Friday. We are in limbo. Unfortunately for me that means we are at my inlaws till the 5th. Really its most unfortunate for Jack. Sadly he is getting yelled at for no reason more times a day then I can count... well that is when my sister in law is home that is... She really thinks she is some sort of authority figure to my kid. What she really is, is an example of everything we don't want him to be. ( spoiled, lazy, rude, entitled.... the list is too long to write out) Tonight I finally had a mini melt down. It was really much needed, and truth be told it sorta felt good to get it off my shoulders. She was trying to threaten Jack to go to bed ( with out dinner mind you) at 5... and she kept it up till he told my Hub he was ready for bed hours later. He was hungry and starting to melt down before I could put food in front of him. So she thought it was alright to yell at him and make him more upset because he wanted dinner and she was trying to tell him he couldn't have any. Then she nagged the crap out of him so he wouldn't eat. Then she was all bent outta shape when he ate half my dinner an hour later. ( Cause he was starving!). I bit my tongue, but really I was about to boil over.

Jack told Hub he was ready for night night... and she sighed and immediately jumped up and said "I suppose I'll have to put you to bed, since no one has been listening to me. You PITA" (yeah really) Well... that was it. I had, HAD IT! I told her to sit down and don't you dare try to parent my child. He is my child and unless you had a role in creating him then DON'T DISCIPLINE HIM! She started to open her mouth and I told her to Sit Down! I can handle putting my own son to bed, and that she didn't need to have any involvement in the process. I took Jack upstairs and he was upset from being nagged and yelled at for hours. He keeps asking me when we get to go see Grammy and Uncle ( my mom and brother). He knows we are going there next and moving near them. Its really sad that a 2 year old knows where he is not wanted and not being treated well. Hub has about had it too. He said if things keep up we are going to a hotel and telling them he got to check out early and that we are gone.  

Really this is sad... you would think that someone who knows they wont be seeing their son /brother  or grand kids/ nephew and niece to be, for a long time would be a little more nice and welcoming. But nope. I didn't expect too much for myself, as it is really clear how they feel about me, but really it makes me so sad to see them treat Hub and my kiddo this way.  I'm going out of my way to make sure things are clean and there is good food for dinner and they still act like its a HUGE inconvenience that we are staying in the spare room upstairs. This house is better cleaned and taken care of since we have been here, because I do it, and I don't just sit on my ass like someone else who is home alot.  Hub fixed a vacuum that his sister purposely broke so she wouldn't have to clean, and she had a fit... well sorry... but really I was about / / that close to going out and buying one... because when you have 2 cats and you don't vacuum for months ( that's a generous estimate) that results in grossness... and I'm really sick of my son eating cat hair because its all over!!   I'm really sick of her spoiled rotten little child shenanigans. I hope I don't have to yell at her again, or I might just tell exactly how I feel. She came down stairs not too long ago and acted like nothing at all happened. I really think she stopped mentally developing at age 6.

  9 days till we can leave here... please send good thoughts my way. I need them.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

It's a...

Girl!! :)

I meant to write this post about a week ago when we found out, but I've been so busy buying little pink clothes ,and things, and purgeing our house for the move it's insane!  I need to scan the Ultrasound photos, and take a picture of the mini mountain of things Lorelai has already. Well, has here. My Mom is going a bit crazy buying things, and a good friend of hers has twin baby girls that have a lot of hand me downs, that she said I have to take.( Not that I'm protesting free hand me downs!) :) So she has a rather large mountain when all of her things are put together.  

I found a new Pottery Barn Bumper at the thrift store for $4!! It is so pretty and it was such a good deal I scooped it up. The outside is white with pink, purple, yellow, blue dots that have stitching around them that looks like daises. The inside of it is bright pink. I got a couple of sheets at Target (Target has a coupon out right now for 5$ off circo bedding) so I think I ended up spending around $4 each on those. I need to find some cute pink blankies, but it might have to wait till after we move. We are over our weight limit. They give us 9000lbs for Hub's rank w/ dependants. So its not hard to go over when you don't buy junk furniture, and have one kid, and another on the way. I still have alot to go through... and I have no doubt that we will be under our limit by the time we move. But still not a good feeling. So that has put a damper on getting things for Lorelai until after the move.

    Last weekend Hub and I went through all of Jack's old clothes and things. I cried alot. I think it was a combination of hormones and OMG My Baby Grew up so darn fast!!  We are getting rid of everything except what Lorelai can use, and his important clothes. ( The outfit he came home in, and all of the premi things.)  We were thinking about taking them to Once Upon a Child, but I'm not sure. They sorta gave the impression that they weren't going to give us too much ( not that I think they are worth a ton) and that they wouldn't take most of it. Its good, unstained, clean, baby things that have alot of life left. No one I know near by is having a boy, or I'd pass them along. ( Oh Kelli I wish you were near.... Boy would you be in for a surprise! lol) I don't know... maybe I'll take them over, and what ever they don't buy will go to the Salvation army around the corner. I just don't want to waste my time. Has anyone sold clothes to a place like that? Is it worth it?

Jack is doing great! He is kissing my belly and talking to his baby sister. Some times when I'm making him a meal, or getting something at the store he asks for some for his sister too. He is so sweet. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Things I need to get off my chest.

This isn't an update on the pregnancy, or on Jack. I promise I will do one of those soon.

Today, I need to write about a few things that are bothering me. I don't really have another outlet for this so I'm putting it here. The stress from keeping this inside is not good for my already inflated BP.

My MIL is constantly pushing this woman she works with (Heather) at my husband, mostly by talking her up... but still... gag. She has made it obvious to everyone that she would rather Heather be her daughter in law over me... not that its her choice at all, and my husband is TOTALLY not interested, and finds both her and the fact that his mother is pushing her at him GROSS. She invited Heather to my sons birthday party without telling us, she invites Heather's son over to play with Jack even though they are hugely different in age ( her son is in second grade).
Yesterday I popped by her office after she demanded that I drop off ink that my husband ordered for her, instead of coming to pick it up, because god forbid she comes to my house! Jack ran around the office flirting with all the women, like he does. Then I was standing by the door ready to leave as she pranced around pretending to be grandmother of the year ( she's far from it, as she normally doesn't want anything to do with him.) and Jack asked her "Where'd Momma go?"  He couldn't see me because she was standing between us. She looked at me and said "I think he meant Heather." I nearly slapped her! Am I wrong to feel like this is a HUGE DIG at me? I can't stand her, she treats me like a temporary nuisance, and talks bad about me when ever she gets the chance. This BS with Heather is just piling on, and making me really glad to leave here in a few weeks.

Then later Hub's sister and I were out thrifting, I don't often take her anywhere because, its like having to watch two kids, because she doesn't act like an adult and can't really be trusted. Jack started throwing his version of a terrible two tantrum. ( Yelling at the top of his lungs "I DON"T WANT TO!! HELP ME!!) So I did what any mother would do. Got his eyes, and in a stern voice told him that is not acceptable, and I didn't want him screaming anymore. ( In a way that a 2 year old can understand) Well, when we got home, I went to put my son to bed, and I overheard her telling Hub that I screamed at Jack, at the top of my lungs in the store. I have only screamed at him once, and that was because he was going to touch the hot oven door. Needless to say I'm back to my policy of not taking her out anywhere again.

I can't stand that I can't have a civil relationship with my inlaws, because they treat me badly, and act like crazy people. I try and treat them they way I want to be treated, but its getting really hard to be nice to people that are constantly putting me down. So, I'm sitting here counting days till November, when we move away from this crazyness, and wont have to come back. I really don't need the stress of their actions on top of everything else right now.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Happy Birthday Jack!

Today you are two!

This is one of the first pictures I got to see of you.  On the day you were born.

Happy Birthday little man.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

11 weeks

Well I'm already 11 weeks. It feels like that went by fast, but also really, really slowly. I think because I've know about the little one, pretty much since it planted its self there.

So far this pregnancy has been pretty much the same as when I was pregnant with Jack. Except one thing, its sorta gross but well most of pregnancy is. With Jack I was constipated that I would have done anything to fix that problem. This time around I have the exact opposite of that problem. but I guess I'll live with it, and it could be worse.

I can feel my uterus poking out, and I haven't worn anything but maternity clothes in a couple weeks. I was pretty bloated, and I figured why be uncomfortable.

I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday so I'll update more after that.

Friday, June 22, 2012


We have a heart beat! :)

Hub has been calling that baby a little shrimp... I don't know if I'm so enthused with that name. Jack calls it the button... but then again I think he thinks it's a picture of my belly button.

After the crazy dreams I had been having I'm so glad every thing is alright! :)

*UPDATED* HAHA... After all that I wrote this post so fast I forgot to put in my due date. ( Thanks Kelli! I don't know where my brain is.) I'm due Feb. 13th. So that means I pretty much found out as soon as the little one planted it's self. Also that fits much better with the math. I'd hope for a Valentine baby, but most likely I'll wind up with another C-section, and *if* I can stay healthy, and not have my BP go through the roof again they usually do a repeat C-section a week early.

It's not looking too promising about the BP not going through the ceiling. Its high when I go into the office. Its normal at home. I have to do a 24 hour urine to see what the heck is going on. I hope its just my body being quirky about the Dr.'s office, and everything is fine. It's really early to be having BP issues already! :(

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

It's a...

Bubble... :)

Sorry I left everyone hanging. It's been a busy weekend around here, with Father's Day and all.

( I'll scan the photo when I get a minute... but its not alot to look at. )

So I went in last week and the Doc was running a few minutes late, but his nurse got me all set up in the ultrasound room to wait on him. I was in there all half naked and the ultrasound tech came and kicked me out to do a "real quick" scan. Turns out it wasn't so quick after all, and she was doing the apointment after mine's 20 week scan. Senaky! So I wound up in the room with the ultrasound machine that is older than I am.  The Doc found one sac, and a yolk sac right where it should be. :) I go back tommrow to see the heartbeat. I'm pretty excited about that.

I have been having weird dreams about watching over eggs in a nest. They all hatch, and they are all empty. That dream bums me out, so it will be nice to see/ hear the heart beat, and be reassured. Even though I spend most days all sick and light headed on the couch, I'm still worried.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The call.

Yesterday I called my Doctor's office left a message to get my test results with the receptionist, and was told, sorta rudely, that the Dr. wasn't in and wouldn't be all day, that she didn't know why i was told to call today, and she had no idea if his PA would be in either. WOW I was so mad I could have hit that lady... I remember really disliking her in my last pregnancy too.

Anyhow, an hour or two later the PA called me back. My level was 669. I asked what my first one was and she said they didn't have it, all it said was positive. *SIGH* OKAY. So I'm pregnant. That level puts me in the 5 week range, which would mean that when the scan was done I was 4 weeks. So that explains why nothing was seen. By my LMP I was *supposed* to be 6 weeks. I sorta knew that there was no way I was that far along. The math didn't work.

So anyhow, I go back Thursday for another scan. The PA said they are pretty sure they should see something then.

I found out super early with Jack too... but at least that was handled well, It was sorta obvious I was early on, and the RE did a bunch of blood work, and repeated scans. I guess that is the difference between starting off at the RE and starting with a normal OB.

I'm trying to get over it, and just be excited and happy today.

On another note, I've got that whole bloat thing going on. It's pretty bad, like alot of pants wont button bad. So I tried on a pair of my maternity shorts, because I just couldn't get comphy. I couldn't get them over my butt! I felt so bad that apparently I'm bigger now than when I had Jack. ( I knew this of coarse... but I thought my clothes would still fit. I'm not that much bigger.) So I guess I'll be buying new clothes for this pregnancy. Any of you ladies know who has the cute clothes this year? ... I already know its not Target...  Sad :(

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Is it Monday yet?!

I feel like the ability to feel happy, and excited about this pregnancy has been taken away from me this week end... at least temporarily.

This has been the longest weekend of my life. I don't really understand why they couldn't get same day test results. I feel like they have taken two days out of my life and said these will be full of semi-needless worry.

I'm pretty sure I'm still pregnant... Pee sticks are DARK positive, and I feel sorta crappy, and tired and my boobs hurt... and I'm whiny. ( like you couldn't tell right?!)

I'm pretty sure that I was probably about 4 weeks when I saw the nurse... maybe 5 weeks or almost 5 when I got the scan from the doc... I don't think that I am 6+ weeks. The math just doesn't work. Also, I found out super early with Jack too. So coming to that conclusion, I feel like I have been robbed of this time that is supposed to be happy. *sigh* Is it Monday yet?!

Friday, June 8, 2012


So I went in today to see my doc. I got a scan to see what my due date really would be. With PCOS you never know. The doc didn't see anything. I had to bite my lip so that I didn't just burst out in tears right then. I had blood work done to see how my levels were doing, I have to call on Monday to see what the results are. I'm either not as far along as they believed (6 weeks), or something fishy is happening.

I hate that I have to wait till Monday. I hate that I'm stuck with a dark cloud over my head till then. I hate hurry up and wait.

I'm not really sure how to feel about all of this. As I got in the car to go home I thought "Well I knew that was too easy."  I hope that this feeling of doom is wrong. I just want this so bad, and I don't know how I'd make it threw if that awful M word struck here again.

Has anyone gone threw this?


Well I just went back and read some of the posts from when I was pregnant with Jack. I feel a little better. Not much but a little. At about this point, last time,  the RE was checking to see if my HCG had doubled. I think I'm not as far along as the Doc thought. At least I hope that's whats going on.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

So then this happened.

Last Saturday Hub, Jacker, and I were out looking for treasures in other people's junk (yard saleing). It was a pretty nice day, Jack was riding in his little wagon, wearing a fire man hat we found for a quarter. It was one of those sorta perfect days. Everyone was happy. We loaded into the car and headed home. I had to pee so bad, and Hub was making a point to tease me about it, and drive as slowly as possible. Sometimes we joke like that... its not at all funny... but we still do it. We got home, and the craziest thing happened:


I showed it to Hub and said I bet you feel awful now for almost making me pee myself!!
I saw the nurse on Tuesday, she said that my estimated due date is Feb. 1st.

I think I'm still in shock. There is a pile of positive pee sticks in the kitchen, and my boobs hurt, and I'm so tired, but somehow, I still can't believe it.

I see the Dr. tomorrow. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Spring Adventures

Its been a busy few months around these parts. We've been to a baseball game, visited Chicago, we've been on a camping trip, and last night Jack filled up his little pool, for a pool party.
That's Jack being a Turtle at the Chicago Childrens' Museum.
We're spending the summer trying to cram in as much fun, and seeing as many things around these parts as we can, before we move. Oh, not sure I've said anything on here, but we have verbal orders ( nothing is set in stone till we get the paper ones, sometime in the next few months.) but we are going to New Hampshire for a few months, then off to San Diego. I'm pretty excited! I've never been to California, and all my family is in New Hampshire, it will be nice to get to see them all again, and let Jack do some growing up around the things, and people I grew up with. Anyhow, summer plans... We have a few more camping trips planed. We bought a pop up this year, its an '82 but its in really good shape, and we plan to use it. We are going up to the U.P. and to see Mackinac Island. We are having a HUGE moving sale this summer at some point. I've started gathering all the things we don't use, and cleaning them up and pricing them. Its amazing how much stuff we have. Of coarse there will be trips to the lake to swim, and all the typical summer stuff. On top of all that we are preparing to move. It's going to be an awesome summer.

Monday, April 16, 2012


Time for an update, list style.

We put in for orders again this month. Thankfully, there were other options than Guam. ( That doesn't mean we will get any of them, but at least it makes me feel a bit better.)

Waiting again... right smack in the middle of the two worst weeks of the month. *Sigh* Don't think I'll see the elusive two lines. But still hoping a little.

Jack spent the night in the hospital the week before last. He had Croup. He's okay now... It was actually kind of BS that we had to stay, as the nurses kept him up all night, and made him worse. As soon as we got home and he got some sleep, he was 100 times better.

Watched the Red Wings get pushed around the ice on Sunday... they lost... it was sad. We have Tickets for this weeks game too. I hope they do better.

Jack was at Hub's mom's house while we were at the game and fell outside and split his nail. It looks so gross, and I think his nail is going to come off, but it doesn’t seem to be bothering him at all.

I fell off the low carb bus while Jack was in the hospital... I'm getting back on now, but its alot harder.

Went for a jog today, the wind was so bad I thought we(Jack and I) would blow away. About a quarter of the way down the trail the stroller started to wobble alot, making it hard to push while walking, never mind running. Last year when we were in Utah Hub was messing around and broke it. We put it back together as best we could, but now it looks like time to start looking for a new jogger. :(

I got new tires on the truck today. I'm getting my windshield replaced tomorrow.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

11 pounds!

I started my low carb diet back up on Tuesday. I am down 11 pounds as of this morning!! WHOOT! I don't feel like I'm starving myself, and I'm not moody. I feel satisfied with my meals and one or two little snacks every day. I'm just watching my carbs, trying to stay around 25 net carbs for the day. ( carbs - fiber) and I cut out sugar and white stuff. ( ie flour and potatoes.) I don't miss it too much. Right now I have meatballs cooking and it smell great. They will be my dinner tonight and lunch/ breakfasts for a couple days.

The only downside is Phil refuses to eat any of the meals I'm making. He has a little bit to loose before his annual fitness test. ( He has to be in I started my low carb diet back up on Tuesday. I am down 11 pounds as of this morning!! WHOOT! I don't feel like I'm starving myself, and I'm not moody. I feel satisfied with my meals and one or two little snacks every day. I'm just watching my carbs, trying to stay around 25 net carbs for the day. ( carbs - fiber) and I cut out sugar and white stuff. ( ie: flour and potatoes.) I don't miss it too much. Right now I have meatballs cooking and it smell great. They will be my dinner tonight and lunch/ breakfasts for a couple days.

The only downside is Phil refuses to eat any of the meals I'm making. He has a little bit to loose before his annual fitness test. ( He has to be in Navy standards) He saw that I’ve lost 11 pounds, and decided that he would not do the smart thing and trust his wife. He wants to eat only fish and veggies, and dumb chemical meal replacement shakes (GAG!) I give him about two days till he says lets go get ice cream. So with him making his own meals I feel like I have to wash every dish in the kitchen 3 times a day. Its making me nuts! Oh well. at least the scale is moving in my favor.

I feel better already. My gut isn’t on my legs when I sit down like it was before, and my pants fit! I can actually do them up. I am so happy about that! :)

Oh well off to enjoy my alone time. Hub took Jack to the indoor playground. And by "enjoy" I mean do laundry... :(

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


It’s been a while so I think it’s time for an update. (Damn straight I'm using bullets.)

* Started my low carb diet back up. It's not too bad so far. But it's only day one. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before we move. We'll see how that goes.

* Holding out a small-ish chunklet of hope that I might get knocked up again before we move and the reality of underways and deployments makes that dream highly unlikely for a while again.

* Still don't know where we are moving. Still hoping that we won’t get stuck with the G word.

* We bought a pop up camper! It's 30 years old... but it’s in really good shape. Looking forward to a lot of camping this season.

* Jack's vocabulary is exploding. He picks up at least one new word every day. He mastered Please ( pese!)... so everything is Bite please, more more more ... please, point to random thing at store Please *bats eyelashes.*

* I have some form of plague right now. It started as a rash on my cheek, and morphed into an awful head cold, with green gunk coming out of every hole in my face. (Sorry that was gross.)

* Planning on doing 3 mile walks everyday.(After the plague goes away.) Weather permitting. Wish me luck. Exercise has not been something that has come easy since having Jack. In fact I've sucked at it. I can't seem to find a balance between exercise and getting the stuff done. I'm hoping to change that.

* My house looks like a Toys R us exploded. I need some sort of organizing system. I just don't know where to start.

* Jack is in love with outside, and the slide, and playing with Balls. He knows the difference between a football and a basketball and a soccer ball and a baseball... and will tell you. Which makes any trip to the store super fun. He's all "foot ball pese." "Baskit ball pese!" "base ball pese!!" It's so hard to say no, and right now balls are every where.

* I'm pretty sure this is going to be the best spring/ summer ever! Because, Jack is exploding with all sorts of fun stuff.

Monday, March 5, 2012


This morning I got up and for about the millionth time I got out a pregnancy test. I took it. I waited. I stared and analyzed. I dissected it. I stared and I analyzed again. I held it up to the light. I did all the crazy things an Infertile will do to conjure up a line, when there isn't even a chance of one to conjure. Of course it was negative. It's always, with few exceptions, Negative. White as the driven snow negative. Most months I find something that might, maybe look like a line. I wait and pee on another one and of course its white, save for the control line.

Every month I invent a whole slew of symptoms. My boobs hurt, I cry at the drop of a hat, I took two naps this weekend, I've been nauseous, and throwing up all weekend. I'm craving Rice Crispies. (The list this month.) So of course by the time I unwrap the pee stick I'm convinced it'll be positive. Most of the time, I'm able to push away the disappointment of it, and hide it away. Today though, not so much. I'm not feeling strong enough to lie to myself.

I don't think that a second baby is going to just happen. The first took a lot of time, work, worry, and frustration. But every month a little part of me grows loud, and screams out in hope that maybe this month is the month. It never is. It probably never will be. I feel a little like I'm asking for lightning to strike the same barren ground for a second time. I know that it’s unlikely. Especially, given the current state of my body.

I want another child so very desperately. I don't want to make Jack live this nomadic life of ours, without someone to go through it with. I don't want him to feel alone. I had hoped that the pain of not being able to have what comes easily for so many, would go away after I had Jack. It didn't. It just changed a little bit. Now I mostly think about Jack, growing up alone, without someone to experience things with. Without that built in playmate. I think about all the moves this family will make, and all the friends my little man will leave behind. I just don't want him to go through that by himself. I feel like it'll be my fault.

I know that there are tons of only children out there, and some even grew up in a family like ours. They turned out fine. We had plans for a house full of babies. I just feel like maybe that’s not in the cards for us anymore. It hurts, more than I thought it would.

Friday, March 2, 2012


It's that time agian. We are waiting on orders. The options are coming out this comming week, and I'm hopeing that this month's are better than last month's.

I'm holding out hope that we can get orders here:

Yup... thats Hawaii. I think that would be a cool place to be for 3 years. If not that than hopefully near my family. Neither of which is likely, but a girl can dream right?!

I'm slowly starting to weed out all of our stuff. We have collected WAY too much junk over the years. I need to start on the basement next week. I've gotten so used to the constant change of moving, that I'm itching for it. I feel like we have been in one oceanless place for too long. Its time for change.

The not knowing where or exactly when is kinda driving me nuts though. I just want to know. That way I can make a "plan"... not that anything I can look at from my comphy couch will actually work out when we get there, but it makes me feel better to know what lies ahead.

Oh well... Waiting again. My whole life is about waiting.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

It's been seven years.

Dear Katie,

Seven years ago my heart stopped beating, but the world kept moving. You were there growing under my heart, and then you weren't. I am forever broken.

I sat there on the beach that day staring out to sea. Trying to will your little spirit to where ever your daddy was. Hoping for a minute you could be with him too. I sat in the cold sand numb, and trying hard not to fall apart. I remember letting the cold grains of sand run through my fingers just so I could focus on something other then the crushing emptiness inside of me. I left a big part of myself right there. A part that I will never get back.

You would be seven this year. You would be in first grade, all happy and pink and obsessed with Barbie like I was. You would have lived in six different houses, in six different towns. You have a little brother, who has no idea that he is your little brother. I watch him play and wonder if you would have looked like him. If you would have had blonde hair and blue eyes too.

Seven years later I still miss you. My heart is still breaking. A little less than it used to but this time of year my heart shatters all over again. I'm writing this to you so you know you’re missed, and loved.

I will always love you my baby.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)
I didn't lose anything thing this week. I think maybe AF is around the corner. ( With PCOS you never really know.)

Starting BMI: 30.8
Starting weight: 227

Last Week’s Weight: 227
Current Weight:224
Goal Weight : 190

Last Week’s BMI: 30.8
Current BMI:30
Goal BMI: 25

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

I'm still going to use the lose it app to track my calories.

Last week I felt kinda bad when I ran, so I think for a while I'm going to lay off running, and do some work out dvds to build myself up to a point that I can run more easily.

I'm still going to drink more water. Some days I did really good. Others the Crystal lite and Diet Pepsi called to me a little too loudly.

Bloggers I follow that are participating:
If you want to join in just leave me a comment, so I can follow your progress too!

The Donor Diva is TTC #2

If you’re doing it too please leave a comment. I wasn't able to get to most of your blogs. I had an issue with the comments. But I think it is fixed now.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Wednesday Weigh In.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)

Starting BMI: 30.8
Starting weight: 227

Last Week’s Weight: 227
Current Weight:224
Goal Weight : 190

Last Week’s BMI: 30.8
Current BMI:30
Goal BMI: 25

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

I'm using the Lose it app to track my calories. I really like it a lot. Now it has a feature that allows you to scan the bar code on you food and all the nutrition info pops up. So easy and so cool!

I want to complete week one on my beginner running program.

I'm going to eat a salad every day.

I'm going to drink more water.

3. Try to motivate others to join in on trying to lose weight

Hub is on board now! He got up and went to the gym this am! I’m so happy he's not wasting the free gym membership that he got a few weeks ago.

Bloggers I follow that are participating:
If you want to join in just leave me a comment, so I can follow your progress too!

The Donor Diva is TTC #2

4. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I’ve tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I'm working on digging up some good healthy recipes that I will post as soon as I test them.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Day 1 week 1

I managed to run even though my hip is still a bit sore. I wish I knew what I did to it, so I don't do it again!

I finished all 20 minutes of time today. I feel pretty good! I hate that I got so out of shape.

Hub got in on the fitness with me. He saw that I had saved my workout schedule on the computer and he's doing it with me. Although I think it might be too easy for him, but at least he's doing something. :) It's easier when he is on board with my weight loss, and trying to drop a few too, because that way he won't be bugging me to go out and eat junk.

All our snow is gone. It rained and thunder stormed all night, and its about 50 out right now. I can't really say I’m too sad about it because I REALLY hate snow.

Off to go clean and do laundry.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


So I woke up this morning and I have a crazy searing pain in my hip/back/butt area. I don't have a clue what caused it, I think I must have slept wrong. Not cool universe! I'm starting my new training program tommrow. Well at least I hope I am.

We've had a pretty laid back weekend. Just hanging around the house. Hub took Jack out to play in the snow for a while yesterday.

Today I think we are going to go out for lunch, we are all starting to get a bit of cabin fever.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I keep running...

Last week I started back down the path marked weight loss again. I've got about 35 pounds to lose again. Oddly 20 of it isn't baby weight, its post baby weight. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I have gained back extra weight after having Jack. But I did. I got really weak from being on bed rest for over two months. I got discouraged, whenever I tried to work out. I went from running 4 miles to getting hopelessly winded doing the laundry. So I gave up. And I gave up again, and again. But this time I can't let myself give up. I can't do it. Last week I ran a mile for the first time since before I was pregnant. It felt amazing. (Afterwards.)
I lost a pound last week. I was hoping for more but a pound is okay. This week I've set my mind to lose more than that.

I'm following this to get back into running.

10 Week training schedule.