Today I was sitting on my patio after work, reading my book, and just generally enjoying this beautiful day. I had the radio on and this song came on the radio.
I don't really like Miley Cyrus. I never have I think she is just a kid cashing in on her dad's fame and brain washing kids. BUT, this song really speaks to what I'm going through. What most of us are for that matter.
The songs starts; "I can almost see it. That dream I’m dreaming, but There’s a voice inside my head sayin, You’ll never reach it." Is it just me, or do all us infertiles have this mechanism in their brain? I think it is so hard to go through IF treatments and keep an open mind and heart. I know I have shut my heart down and put up walls. Mostly to protect myself from hurting more. If not the frillion pregnant women and new babies that seem to be every where I go would really hurt. I think its like having a huge terrible scar, only worse because no one can see it but you can feel it. Really after a while I think as a defense you develop this kill switch to stop getting your hopes up, because if they don't go up they can't come crashing down.
The song goes on to say; "The struggles I’m facing. The chances I’m taking, sometimes might knock me down but, no I’m not breaking. I may not know it, but these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most. Just gotta keep going, I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on." I think all of us have this inside us too. We have to have this because if not we would all crawl under the nearest rock and stay there. We have to have this endurance. Somehow, we dig down deep cycle after cycle and finding a place where there is a little strength and hope left and wringing it out and squeezing every last drop. We IFer's are a tight knit group, we give each other strength, and hope and the all important pep talk to carry on. We lift each other up. I've seen this in all of my new ICLW friends. This past week I was overwhelmed by all the supportive and friendly comments I received. (thanks guys!)
In the chorus of the song there is a line that says; "Always gonna be an up-hill battle, sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there." We have all lost. There is really no one on this path that makes it to the end on the first try. We all get a world of emotion wrapped up in this and we all get to see the, I'm so sorry look, at one time or another. We will all get to the end one way or another, and you know what? I don't think it matters how long it takes. At the end of this path there is a baby for all of us. It may not be the way we thought it would, but none the less its there. That elusive family we dreamed of is waiting and it really wont matter how long it takes. When we get there it'll be worth it. I've never heard anyone say, " Gee, you know what? This baby really wasn't worth all of those tears and needles and what ever else." It just don't happen.
This song REALLY spoke to me and it reminded me that yeah IF sucks! but there is light at the end.
Also I'd really like to thank all my new readers and friends. :) You guys rock. Mel, you rock too, your so smart! Thank you so much for starting ICLW.