Slow - Infertile - Walking.

^^^^ That basically sums it up. For the second time this week I wasn't really fit to be around man nor beast. I had to go out though. Dogs out of food = cranky. Person out of healthy foods that are appealing to eat = more cranky. Rain + 264 traffic + VERY STUPID PEOPLE = MASSIVE CRANKYNESS.

So I ventured out in the rain, well drizzle really, to the far away store that sells eatable food. Not crazy organic fru-fru stuff. There’s nothing wrong with that if its your thing. Its not mine. At least not 100% because, well my wallet and bank account would be very unhappy if I went there. This is however the only place that sells veggies and fruit and meat and basically anything not in a can or box worth spending money on, let alone eating. I'm really not picky, but really lettuce SHOULD. NOT. BE. BROWN.

I got on the highway and low and behold an accident less then 50 feet form the on ramp. YAY OH WONDER OF WONDERS! I GET TO SIT IN TRAFFIC AND I'M IN SUCH AN AWSOME MOOD! NOT!!! 30 minutes later I got past the insane amount of gawkers and the five yes 5! car pile up, and I was on my way. I got to the exit for my store, and it was practically blocked off by yet another multi car pile up. IT WAS BARELY RAINING!

I got there. FINALLY. It took me 3 hour to finish shopping. I was distracted by shiny things in That Red Bulls Eye Store. Then the food store that I shop at often was out of things that it always carries. I know this because well I buy these things at said store often. I made due. and I'm over it. Its still raining. But I'm slowly starting to feel a little bit better. Nothing sugar wouldn't fix. OH DAMN NO SUGAR ALLOWED! HUMMMMM.... I... think.... I am about to cheat on my diet. It's for the common good of society. That makes it okay right?

Because I am in need of something cute or funny here is a video of Ty, my dog.
He was way to intrested in the treadmill while I was on it.



Please excuse my talking to the dog voice. I know its obnoxious, but he likes it.

Why all the crankyness you ask? Well spotting for a week accompanied by lots of pain in my left ovary. Anyone ever had a non PCOS cyst? Does it cause this?

Why does the tupperware lid always fall in the dogs' water?

That is pretty much the metaphor for my life right now. Not to mention that it has actually happened to me twice this week.

I wasn't going to write about this at all, but I have to. I have to get it out because it is not fair to myself to keep it all bottled up and smooshing inside me. So BEWARE there is a huge crazy lady rant coming on.

I really want to rewind my week and not have talked me my mom on Monday. Its noting she did, or said, and for the record mom if you ever see this I am in no way directing this to you. She (my mom) told me that Katie my crack whore ( not a funny nick name, she really is) second cousin managed to get herself knocked up again. This is either the 2nd or 3rd time, not really sure. And SUPRISE! she wants to give the baby up for adoption same as the other times. My uncle Stan tossed my name in to the ring. It wasn't in anyway meant to be a mean spirited jab at the poor infertile. He loves me and knows how terribly bad we want a family. My number was given to the distant cousin that under some unthoughtful of power of the universe shares the name that we gave to the baby I lost before finding out I have PCOS. A sign maybe?

We weren't really ready to adopt just yet, but seeing as though this is a family member here, and well face it, now we know first hand that babies don't just grow on trees, we said that we would love to adopt this one. I let myself get all wrapped up in the idea and I think all we're getting out of this is a bigger broken heart. She hasn't called and probably never will. I know giving up a baby must be the hardest decision of your life, but I don't really have much sympathy left for her. She put herself in this place for the 3rd-ish time now and every time before this one she didn’t take any time to just give up on the life growing inside her. She is a crack whore. She doesn’t care about anything with the exception of drugs. NOT. KIDDING. It sucks that people like her seem to get unlimited chances that they throw away, and people like me who try so hard, and never put one toe over the line couldn't get a real chance if they're lives depended on it. Believe it or not my life, at least as I imagined it really does depend on motherhood. I will never be whole with out it.

We had a plan. We still have a plan. This fall we are getting transferred. Shore duty. FINALLY!!!! Once we get settled where ever it is that the Navy sends us, we we're going to find a good clinic, get a referral and start really trying again. I'm going to loose the rest of the extra weight that I am carrying around before that. Then maybe just maybe, there will be a real live baby for us. This whole non-adoption, and mourning the loss of the baby we never had a chance of holding thing doesn't change that one bit. BUT it still sucks!!

I. WANT. MY. CHANCE. NOW.

I'm really tired of waiting. Tired of crying. Of worrying. Of wanting. Of feeling broken. I'M. DONE. WITH. YOU. PCOS. I will give you no mercy. YOU HAVE NO FURTHER POWER OVER ME!

Sorry but my blog... and its been a long bottled up crushed dreams sorta week and I really needed to unload a little.

Work out and American Idol

So tonight I tuned in to my hour long show and did my work out. Since it's Wednesday the show happened to be American Idol. During the first half hour I did my walk / jog on the treadmill. The performers during that half completely stunk, and left me wishing that my husband was home tonight so I could have watched Lost instead. ( I DVR all the episodes so we can watch them together. ) I used to really like American Idol, but the last few seasons the talent has been anything but. What’s worse is the judges commentary, they basically say the same 3 things over and over. I don't really see what the new judge adds to the show either. She doesn't distract from Paula's cracked out comments and she doesn't add anything to the show at all. So anyway, the second half hour rolled around and I broke into my situps. The talent improved by a small fraction, or maybe my ears just tuned out the off notes. I hate to say it but maybe they should just cancel the show. *sigh*

At least I got my work out in tonight.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Calorie Counter

bunny food

So four days after I wrote the "time to kick it up a notch" entry I've lost 4 lbs. I think really all I needed to do was firm it up a little in my mind. I'm still eating basiclly the same stuff. I have managed to get on the treadmill a few times so maybe that was all I needed.

YAY

Time to get serious!

Ok so I've been half trying to loose the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying around. I say half trying because I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained back again about 20 pounds in the last year. It seems I just cant stick to my fitness program. Its not that it is exceedingly hard or anything I just lack the energy and motivation to do anything most days. I managed to loose 20 pounds in the last year and I’ve kept that off. I tend to eat healthy for the most part so I know two things are holding me back, exercise, and forgetting to eat for most of the day then gorging at night. So I am going to eat small regular meals through out the day and make time for exercise. STARTING TODAY! Does anyone have any ideas on how to muster up the energy?

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ!

One damn cafe' mocha from Starsmuchs after dinner and here I am at 1:42 am with no hope of sleep in sight. Damn. On the other hand I am going all domestic goddess. Yes friends I made croutons at midnight. Oh, and now I'm doing dishes and of coarse the never ending pile of laundry is marching its way through laundry land as I type. someone please stop me before I break out the vacuum and wake the neighbors! DAMN YOU STARSMUCHS!!!! DAMN YOU!!!

bad blogger

SORRY!!!! The power cord to my lap top died!!! GAH! but I got a shiny new one in the mail so I'm good to go!

Last night Phil took me out to a nice dinner. I think we were celebrating the first duty free weekend since before his deployment. We went to Espeto na Brasa in Norfolk. Its a Brazilian steak house. I highly recommend visiting one if you can! It was the BEST meal I have had in a long time!!! They bring out giant skewers of meat and you can try anything you want and have as much as you want. They had several different kinds of beef, chicken wrapped in bacon, lamb, and so many others I can't even remember them all. My favorite was pineapple that was roasted and coated in cinnamon, it was unbelievable! They also had a salad bar, that was more like a side dish bar. We both had a couple of the house drinks that were like a mojito only with no mint and about half of a lime. It was all so good! We had a really fun night it was so relaxing! Lately I've been feeling so good and not even thinking about the things that have stressed me out for so long, I think I'm starting to feel normal. Is this what a life feels like? For so long I have been putting things off till maybe a magic potion might work, but I know now that I should have been living till maybe a magic potion might work, then like the rest of the word adjust myself later, when or if said magic potion works. We have done so much over the last couple of weeks and it feels good! We saw a play and have gone out a bunch of nights. We have eaten at so many new places none of which have been bad. We have just been having fun. Alot of it! I like it alot.