That is pretty much the metaphor for my life right now. Not to mention that it has actually happened to me twice this week.
I wasn't going to write about this at all, but I have to. I have to get it out because it is not fair to myself to keep it all bottled up and smooshing inside me. So BEWARE there is a huge crazy lady rant coming on.
I really want to rewind my week and not have talked me my mom on Monday. Its noting she did, or said, and for the record mom if you ever see this I am in no way directing this to you. She (my mom) told me that Katie my crack whore ( not a funny nick name, she really is) second cousin managed to get herself knocked up again. This is either the 2nd or 3rd time, not really sure. And SUPRISE! she wants to give the baby up for adoption same as the other times. My uncle Stan tossed my name in to the ring. It wasn't in anyway meant to be a mean spirited jab at the poor infertile. He loves me and knows how terribly bad we want a family. My number was given to the distant cousin that under some unthoughtful of power of the universe shares the name that we gave to the baby I lost before finding out I have PCOS. A sign maybe?
We weren't really ready to adopt just yet, but seeing as though this is a family member here, and well face it, now we know first hand that babies don't just grow on trees, we said that we would love to adopt this one. I let myself get all wrapped up in the idea and I think all we're getting out of this is a bigger broken heart. She hasn't called and probably never will. I know giving up a baby must be the hardest decision of your life, but I don't really have much sympathy left for her. She put herself in this place for the 3rd-ish time now and every time before this one she didn’t take any time to just give up on the life growing inside her. She is a crack whore. She doesn’t care about anything with the exception of drugs. NOT. KIDDING. It sucks that people like her seem to get unlimited chances that they throw away, and people like me who try so hard, and never put one toe over the line couldn't get a real chance if they're lives depended on it. Believe it or not my life, at least as I imagined it really does depend on motherhood. I will never be whole with out it.
We had a plan. We still have a plan. This fall we are getting transferred. Shore duty. FINALLY!!!! Once we get settled where ever it is that the Navy sends us, we we're going to find a good clinic, get a referral and start really trying again. I'm going to loose the rest of the extra weight that I am carrying around before that. Then maybe just maybe, there will be a real live baby for us. This whole non-adoption, and mourning the loss of the baby we never had a chance of holding thing doesn't change that one bit. BUT it still sucks!!
I. WANT. MY. CHANCE. NOW.
I'm really tired of waiting. Tired of crying. Of worrying. Of wanting. Of feeling broken. I'M. DONE. WITH. YOU. PCOS. I will give you no mercy. YOU HAVE NO FURTHER POWER OVER ME!
Sorry but my blog... and its been a long bottled up crushed dreams sorta week and I really needed to unload a little.