10000 Panic Attacks Later.

Since the last post I've had about 10000 panic attacks, over big and little things. Big things like, will he be healthy, or will he have to stay at the hospital. Little things like we didn't buy any newborn sized clothes, because we thought he was going to be big. (HA!) Or that I'm getting all nesty in my head, and I can't do too much about it.

I've come to terms with the fact that he is coming early. Today the doc said that he thinks that Jack will be here between 35 and 36 weeks. That's two weeks from now at the max. That's a little scary, but at least I have an idea about when things will happen. The Doc also answered my questions about if he would have to stay at the hospital after he was born. Basically, he said that usually depends on three things. Size, ability to eat, and breathing. He said his size is good for his age. As of the last growth ultra sound, he was just under 5lbs. So that is a huge part of it. He said babies that size usually can eat on their own, and regulate their temp. His big concern is his breathing, but that is why he gave me the betamethazone shots.

Today I had the strep B test, and an ultra sound, and a non stress test and some blood work. I basically live at the doctor's office. I go twice a week and at least have a non stress test. Hub has been able to go with me to my appointments, in case something scary happens. I'm really glad for that.

Jack is still moving like crazy, and he's got good fluid around him which is a big concern. So far he still looks really good. My blood pressure is still up. It was like 145/95 this morning. Which isn't the highest it has been, but it still sucks.

Saturday is our baby shower, and I'm looking forward to that. Hub's aunt has put alot of work in to the party. Hub's dad is flying in on Friday. Hub has a meeting and has been invited to a baseball game with the Admiral tomorrow. He's doing really good at work, and I'm really proud of him. The Admiral knows his name, that is a really big deal. So in a few minutes I'm going to iron his dress whites so he looks really good. My mom is flying in the beginning part of next week, to stay until after Jack gets here. I'm glad she's coming, and I'm glad I was able to put her off until we had a clearer picture of what was going on. Tomorrow, I am going to get my hair and pedicure done. Because I deserve it.

Hard to say.

I've been trying to write this post for about a week now. I wanted to get as many facts as I could first. I have preeclampsia and Jack will be born early. So far everything seems to be under control. I have twice weekly OB apts now and this week if you include my trip to the hospital on Sunday for really high BP I'll be going 4 times. Yesterday for an NST and a steroid shot for Jack's little lungs, today for an Ultrasound and a second shot for Jack's lungs, and Friday for another Non Stress test.

I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want to hurt Jack. I know the best place for him is right where he is for as long as possible. The OB wont give me a ballpark on when he thinks Jack might have to be born he just said prepare yourself for him to be early. All I know is I'm not ready yet. I'm only 32 and a half weeks. I want him to be big and strong enough not to have to stay in the hospital, but I think if hes born soon he would have be in the NICU a while. It breaks my heart knowing that my body is failing him, and I can't stop it.

So far every NST they have given me he looks great, all responsive and kicking the monitor thing like "get this the hell off me!" (No I really have no idea where he's already got so stubborn from.) Today I get to see him again. They are measuring how big he is, and how much fluid he has around him. I know he at least was head down, because I was getting his little feet under my scar that is at the top of my belly right under my rib cage.

I'm thinking of packing my hospital bag soon, as I have no idea when he will have to be born. That is the part that scares me the most, not any of the hundreds of things that could happen to me. But having to have him soon, and him not being ready for it. I stayed up half the night thinking and whispering to him that I know he is strong and that if the time comes and its still really soon like this I need him to fight.

This weekend Hub's aunt and uncle from way up north are coming to visit on Saturday and we are having a lunch on Sunday to finish up the plans for my baby shower that is next weekend, and I sorta wish no one were coming here. Because that means I'll have to clean and entertain them and I'm not much up to it at the moment. Maybe once the U/S shows that he is good and not in any danger soon I'll feel better, but not right now.

I'll let you all know what the OB says today.