updates.

It’s been a while so I think it’s time for an update. (Damn straight I'm using bullets.)

* Started my low carb diet back up. It's not too bad so far. But it's only day one. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before we move. We'll see how that goes.

* Holding out a small-ish chunklet of hope that I might get knocked up again before we move and the reality of underways and deployments makes that dream highly unlikely for a while again.

* Still don't know where we are moving. Still hoping that we won’t get stuck with the G word.

* We bought a pop up camper! It's 30 years old... but it’s in really good shape. Looking forward to a lot of camping this season.

* Jack's vocabulary is exploding. He picks up at least one new word every day. He mastered Please ( pese!)... so everything is Bite please, more more more ... please, point to random thing at store Please *bats eyelashes.*

* I have some form of plague right now. It started as a rash on my cheek, and morphed into an awful head cold, with green gunk coming out of every hole in my face. (Sorry that was gross.)

* Planning on doing 3 mile walks everyday.(After the plague goes away.) Weather permitting. Wish me luck. Exercise has not been something that has come easy since having Jack. In fact I've sucked at it. I can't seem to find a balance between exercise and getting the stuff done. I'm hoping to change that.

* My house looks like a Toys R us exploded. I need some sort of organizing system. I just don't know where to start.

* Jack is in love with outside, and the slide, and playing with Balls. He knows the difference between a football and a basketball and a soccer ball and a baseball... and will tell you. Which makes any trip to the store super fun. He's all "foot ball pese." "Baskit ball pese!" "base ball pese!!" It's so hard to say no, and right now balls are every where.

* I'm pretty sure this is going to be the best spring/ summer ever! Because, Jack is exploding with all sorts of fun stuff.

Negitive.

This morning I got up and for about the millionth time I got out a pregnancy test. I took it. I waited. I stared and analyzed. I dissected it. I stared and I analyzed again. I held it up to the light. I did all the crazy things an Infertile will do to conjure up a line, when there isn't even a chance of one to conjure. Of course it was negative. It's always, with few exceptions, Negative. White as the driven snow negative. Most months I find something that might, maybe look like a line. I wait and pee on another one and of course its white, save for the control line.

Every month I invent a whole slew of symptoms. My boobs hurt, I cry at the drop of a hat, I took two naps this weekend, I've been nauseous, and throwing up all weekend. I'm craving Rice Crispies. (The list this month.) So of course by the time I unwrap the pee stick I'm convinced it'll be positive. Most of the time, I'm able to push away the disappointment of it, and hide it away. Today though, not so much. I'm not feeling strong enough to lie to myself.

I don't think that a second baby is going to just happen. The first took a lot of time, work, worry, and frustration. But every month a little part of me grows loud, and screams out in hope that maybe this month is the month. It never is. It probably never will be. I feel a little like I'm asking for lightning to strike the same barren ground for a second time. I know that it’s unlikely. Especially, given the current state of my body.

I want another child so very desperately. I don't want to make Jack live this nomadic life of ours, without someone to go through it with. I don't want him to feel alone. I had hoped that the pain of not being able to have what comes easily for so many, would go away after I had Jack. It didn't. It just changed a little bit. Now I mostly think about Jack, growing up alone, without someone to experience things with. Without that built in playmate. I think about all the moves this family will make, and all the friends my little man will leave behind. I just don't want him to go through that by himself. I feel like it'll be my fault.

I know that there are tons of only children out there, and some even grew up in a family like ours. They turned out fine. We had plans for a house full of babies. I just feel like maybe that’s not in the cards for us anymore. It hurts, more than I thought it would.

Waiting.

It's that time agian. We are waiting on orders. The options are coming out this comming week, and I'm hopeing that this month's are better than last month's.


I'm holding out hope that we can get orders here:

Yup... thats Hawaii. I think that would be a cool place to be for 3 years. If not that than hopefully near my family. Neither of which is likely, but a girl can dream right?!

I'm slowly starting to weed out all of our stuff. We have collected WAY too much junk over the years. I need to start on the basement next week. I've gotten so used to the constant change of moving, that I'm itching for it. I feel like we have been in one oceanless place for too long. Its time for change.

The not knowing where or exactly when is kinda driving me nuts though. I just want to know. That way I can make a "plan"... not that anything I can look at from my comphy couch will actually work out when we get there, but it makes me feel better to know what lies ahead.

Oh well... Waiting again. My whole life is about waiting.

It's been seven years.

Dear Katie,

Seven years ago my heart stopped beating, but the world kept moving. You were there growing under my heart, and then you weren't. I am forever broken.

I sat there on the beach that day staring out to sea. Trying to will your little spirit to where ever your daddy was. Hoping for a minute you could be with him too. I sat in the cold sand numb, and trying hard not to fall apart. I remember letting the cold grains of sand run through my fingers just so I could focus on something other then the crushing emptiness inside of me. I left a big part of myself right there. A part that I will never get back.

You would be seven this year. You would be in first grade, all happy and pink and obsessed with Barbie like I was. You would have lived in six different houses, in six different towns. You have a little brother, who has no idea that he is your little brother. I watch him play and wonder if you would have looked like him. If you would have had blonde hair and blue eyes too.

Seven years later I still miss you. My heart is still breaking. A little less than it used to but this time of year my heart shatters all over again. I'm writing this to you so you know you’re missed, and loved.

I will always love you my baby.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)
I didn't lose anything thing this week. I think maybe AF is around the corner. ( With PCOS you never really know.)

Starting BMI: 30.8
Starting weight: 227

Last Week’s Weight: 227
Current Weight:224
Goal Weight : 190

Last Week’s BMI: 30.8
Current BMI:30
Goal BMI: 25

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

I'm still going to use the lose it app to track my calories.

Last week I felt kinda bad when I ran, so I think for a while I'm going to lay off running, and do some work out dvds to build myself up to a point that I can run more easily.

I'm still going to drink more water. Some days I did really good. Others the Crystal lite and Diet Pepsi called to me a little too loudly.

Bloggers I follow that are participating:
If you want to join in just leave me a comment, so I can follow your progress too!

The Donor Diva is TTC #2

If you’re doing it too please leave a comment. I wasn't able to get to most of your blogs. I had an issue with the comments. But I think it is fixed now.

Wednesday Weigh In.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)

Starting BMI: 30.8
Starting weight: 227

Last Week’s Weight: 227
Current Weight:224
Goal Weight : 190

Last Week’s BMI: 30.8
Current BMI:30
Goal BMI: 25

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

I'm using the Lose it app to track my calories. I really like it a lot. Now it has a feature that allows you to scan the bar code on you food and all the nutrition info pops up. So easy and so cool!

I want to complete week one on my beginner running program.

I'm going to eat a salad every day.

I'm going to drink more water.

3. Try to motivate others to join in on trying to lose weight

Hub is on board now! He got up and went to the gym this am! I’m so happy he's not wasting the free gym membership that he got a few weeks ago.

Bloggers I follow that are participating:
If you want to join in just leave me a comment, so I can follow your progress too!

The Donor Diva is TTC #2



4. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I’ve tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I'm working on digging up some good healthy recipes that I will post as soon as I test them.

Day 1 week 1

I managed to run even though my hip is still a bit sore. I wish I knew what I did to it, so I don't do it again!

I finished all 20 minutes of time today. I feel pretty good! I hate that I got so out of shape.

Hub got in on the fitness with me. He saw that I had saved my workout schedule on the computer and he's doing it with me. Although I think it might be too easy for him, but at least he's doing something. :) It's easier when he is on board with my weight loss, and trying to drop a few too, because that way he won't be bugging me to go out and eat junk.

All our snow is gone. It rained and thunder stormed all night, and its about 50 out right now. I can't really say I’m too sad about it because I REALLY hate snow.

Off to go clean and do laundry.

OUCH!

So I woke up this morning and I have a crazy searing pain in my hip/back/butt area. I don't have a clue what caused it, I think I must have slept wrong. Not cool universe! I'm starting my new training program tommrow. Well at least I hope I am.

We've had a pretty laid back weekend. Just hanging around the house. Hub took Jack out to play in the snow for a while yesterday.

Today I think we are going to go out for lunch, we are all starting to get a bit of cabin fever.

I keep running...

Last week I started back down the path marked weight loss again. I've got about 35 pounds to lose again. Oddly 20 of it isn't baby weight, its post baby weight. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I have gained back extra weight after having Jack. But I did. I got really weak from being on bed rest for over two months. I got discouraged, whenever I tried to work out. I went from running 4 miles to getting hopelessly winded doing the laundry. So I gave up. And I gave up again, and again. But this time I can't let myself give up. I can't do it. Last week I ran a mile for the first time since before I was pregnant. It felt amazing. (Afterwards.)
I lost a pound last week. I was hoping for more but a pound is okay. This week I've set my mind to lose more than that.

I'm following this to get back into running.

10 Week training schedule.

Memeish.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I taught a real live human being to walk and talk.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year it was to lose all the pounds. ... so no...

This year will be lose all the pounds and maybe run a 5k.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not really too close. But half of Hub's family spawned this year... they are all boys, every single one of them.

4.Did anyone close to you die?

My dog Hemi. He got hit by some asshole car, in front of our house.

5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

More time with my family, and more of the skinny.

6. What countries did you visit?

Canada... passing though.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

Date? Memory? What are these things of which you speak?

8/8/11 ... Jack's 1st birthday.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Teaching the mini human to walk and talk and be a cool person.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not losing all the pounds, also adding more pounds. ( not many but a few )

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope. We made it though this year in one piece. :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Kitchen Aide. :) It's from the 70's kinda little ugly, but its mine all mine.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

ummmmm... I'll get back to you...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My Sil. She is odd... and makes me sad.

14. Where did most of your money go?

See Mini Human.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

First steps and first words.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

I;m sexy and I know it... except that's probably not at all what its called. That song is the mind worm of the year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Mostly happier.

ii. thinner or fatter? about the same... a few pounds extra.

iii. richer or poorer? same ole shiz.

Aunt Becky's replacment questions:

i) more or less like Justin Beaver - less... I'm not a gay 17 year old boy... also someone please tell him to go away.

ii) more or less likely to decide inanimate objects looked like boobs - Probably more. its fun.

iii) more or less likely to watch Glee – Less... that show has never been on my radar.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Being out side before the weather went to shit.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stress. Also, time wasting on the internet.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I was at home with my momma!

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

Invented # 21.

Something I don't ever want to forget about this year.

Jack's little voice squealing HI!! like he hasn't seen you in 10 years!... its full of the awesome.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Just more in love with the ones I already loved. :)

23. How many one-night stands?

... 0... I are a old married lady...


24. What was your favorite TV program?

Reruns of Jerico. That show should have never been cancled.
Also Psych.


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope just the same people. :P

26. What was the best book you read?

The Help. Full of greatness.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

... red solo cup... tee heet.

28. What did you want and get?

Kitchen Aide

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

We bought a Zoo was good.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We went to Joe's crab shack. Im 26

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

2 more pink lines.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Gee I hope those are clean.

34. What kept you sane?

I haven't had any of the sane for a long long time.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Alex O'Loughlin.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

umm... all of it... the compleet lack of anything constructive done makes me want to vomit.

37. Who did you miss?

My momma.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I didn't really meet anyone new. Sad but true.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Dont be afraide to make an ass out of your self if it makes your kiddo happy.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
If I couldn't laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn't laugh we just would go insane, If we weren't all crazy we would go insane.


I'm tagging anyone who reads this, if you do it leave a comment so I know you did it. :) Happy New Year!